More Than Conquerors

Have you seen this??????

2012-02-12T21:19:00.001-06:00

My mom and I went to see the movie, ExtremeIy Loud and Incredibly Close tonight. OMGoodness!!! It is about a boy whose dad is killed in the 9/11 Trade Center bombings. A year after his father’s death, the boy finds a key. He is determined to find out what the key unlocks.

The boy is not a typical boy. He mentions that he was tested for Asperger’s and the audience can understand why. I went to the website “Rotten Tomatoes” and the reviews are divided. I found myself caught up in the story and thought it a good movie. I did cry……………..a lot. Anyone that has had a major loss will be more sensitive to this movie than someone who hasn’t. I may have been more comfortable watching this one at home.

God gave me a little something extra in this movie. In my previous post, I wrote about the feelings I believe someone has that is cutting themselves or inflicting pain on themselves in some other way. It was very difficult for me to put those words out for everyone to see. The boy in this movie is pinching himself. It took my breath away when they first showed him doing this. His torso was covered in self inflicted bruises. I believe that my seeing this movie just two days after I wrote about something so difficult was God’s way of confirming I wrote exactly what He wanted me to write.

In closing, I recommend the movie. and God will use anything and everything to show us how much He loves us.

Thanks for reading : )

Laid Bare……….again.

2012-02-10T00:04:00.001-06:00

I have revealed things about myself on this blog that I never thought I would. I’ve written about some very low times. Each time I’ve written them, I thought I didn’t have any more secrets. God has brought something else to my remembrance. I have to believe this is written in God’s perfect timing and someone reading needs to know about my thoughts during a very painful time.

Peyton had been in Heaven only a short time. Tom and I had gone to bed and I was crying. I was crying very deep and hard. Through my sobs, I told Tom, “I can’t cry hard enough. I can’t cry hard enough to rid myself of this terrible sadness.”

Days later, maybe even weeks later, this thought came to my mind. I’ll never forget where I was when it came. Tom & I were pulling into the garage. I thought, “if I could scrape my arm against the bricks of the house, I think that would release some of this anguish I am feeling.” I couldn’t believe my own mind. I knew this was totally unreasonable, but it didn’t shock me.

I let that thought saturate my brain; then I knew.

This is what someone who cuts themselves or uses some other type of self mutilation feels like. These are the thoughts and feelings they have. Their pain is so great, so unmanageable, so hopeless they don’t know what else to do. Then they follow through with the thought. I’m sure the physical pain must give some type of relief from their mental pain and torment or they wouldn’t continue to do it.

I did not follow through with the thought so I don’t know for sure about that last statement, but it makes sense to me. I can only imagine that the temporary relief they feel makes them want to do it again to escape. It isn’t a solution. The pressure may ease, but it’s only temporary.

My relief came from my Heavenly Father. He is real and He loves me so much. He loves you too, no matter what you have done or have thought about doing. If you are in the kind of pain I’ve talked about, please ask God to help you. He will. My email address is on my profile if you need it.

Thanks for reading.

ps I got out of bed to write this post. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep until I did. Now I am hesitant to click “publish” I must have done it anyway or you wouldn’t be reading this now. Thank you Lord; You lead me to do Your will.

More Evidence of His Love

2012-01-26T20:04:00.001-06:00

I’m sitting in my living room watching American Idol with my best friend. Her daughter was born 3 days after Peyton. When we get together our conversation inevitably turns to our children. We had just finished talking about them and I look at the TV and this is what I see in the crowd.

I have posted about Peyton being #7 on his baseball team. There was one year when he played for a team called…..wait for it……Wildcats.

God wants me to know I am not alone. He cares for me every instant of every day.

Thanks for reading : )

2012-01-15T19:01:00.001-06:00

I am a big fan of Pinterest!!

How many times have you found something on the internet only to not be able to find it again? I’ve put websites on my “favorites” or “bookmarked” them, but my list was getting too long. Pinterest enables you to collect your favorite websites in one place, categorize them however you see fit and pulls a picture to remind you exactly what it was you liked so much.

I’ve got categories for different types of recipes, crafts, decorating ideas, even cool manicures. Pinterest is unlimited, just like the internet, because that’s what it is. It links you to your favorite things on the internet. Not only can you find stuff other people have pinned and pin it to yours, you can find something on the internet and pin it so others can see it.

It can be very time consuming. I had to regulate myself and actually MAKE SOMETHING from Pinterest before I pinned anything else. What’s the point of having all these cool ideas piled up if you never do anything with them???

Here is a picture of a Valentine project I finished yesterday. I’m experimenting with different lighting for my pics, so yes, this project is sitting in my bathroom sink

Here’s a close up. I punched a bunch of tiny hearts from scrapbook paper and then glued them in the shape of a big heart. The paper I glued it on was a precut scrapbook paper, with a red piece of paper beind it. The frame was on clearance and Tom painted it black for me. He is an expert spray painter : ). I think it turned out pretty good.

Thanks for reading! : )

4 years

2012-01-11T22:56:00.001-06:00

January 12, 2012 – Peyton has been in Heaven for 4 years.

What can I write about what we’ve been through the last 4 years that you haven’t read from me before? I’m having a difficult time thinking of something to write so I’ll do my usual. I’ll tell you what has been on my mind, the ugly stuff and the glorious stuff.

I miss Peyton. I love him as much as I always have even though I haven’t talked to him in what seems like forever. Sometimes I think about what we are missing because he is not here. I want to know what he would be like today. I want to know what he would have accomplished. Tears still come. Sometimes I feel awful and can’t believe this is my life. When I hear people planning for the future, say 10 years down the road, I don’t like it. I don’t want to think about being on this earth and missing Peyton for 10 more years. I HATE that there will come a day when Peyton has been in Heaven longer than he was on earth with me.

Even though these thoughts are with me, I do not dwell on them. Agonizing over what I do not have is not what God wants for my life. I know God has plans and blessing for me. He has never left me and has blessed me abundantly already. God loves me, that is why I have been able to function EVERY DAY, since Peyton has been gone. God has equipped and provided me with EVERYTHING I have needed, not to just survive these days, but to find JOY. Working through grief is HARD WORK, but with God all things are possible. I am a work in progress.

I know I will be reunited with my son, FOR ETERNITY, never to be separated again.

I have to post some pics of my boy.

Thanks for reading : )

Small Town Grocer

2012-01-03T18:06:00.001-06:00

I’ve been thinking about this post off and on for awhile. A comment on Facebook brought it to the front of my thoughts, so here it is.

There is a man in our town that owned the local grocery store. His name is Leonard. I don’t know the dates that he owned it. I only know I have known him most of my life in that store. He retired a few years ago. The celebration that was thrown honored him in a great way. There were door prizes, cake, etc. What was so amazing was the town’s support of this endeavor. I know many, many merchants donated prizes and made this day special. It is so good to honor someone while they are around to enjoy it!!

I’m sure Leonard was buddies with a lot of the kids that came through his store. I believe that Peyton held a special place in his heart. Leonard lives not to far down the road from us and we see him working out in his yard, mowing, weeding, putting up Christmas lights and the like. One day, Peyton and I were driving past his place while Leonard was mowing. Peyton turned to me and said, “Mom, do you think I could work for Leonard someday?” I said, “I’m sure you could get a job in his store when you are old enough (Peyton was around 7 or 8 at this time) Peyton looks at me and says, “not in the store, in his YARD, I want to drive his tractor!” I love that kid!!

After Peyton’s accident, I would see Leonard in the store. He expressed his condolences. But there was more in his eyes. You see, Leonard’s son is also in Heaven. Lenny has been in Heaven since the mid 80s. He was a great guy. I didn’t know him well, just the friendliness he showed when I would go into the store. But I will never forget him.

Lenny and Leonard are two people who brought me comfort and they didn’t know it. I saw Leonard carry on after the ~~death,~~ moving to Heaven of his son. When the fear would grip me that people would forget Peyton, I would remember Lenny. This person with a warm personality and friendly demeanor is in my mind and heart forever. This fact gives me comfort and a knowing that my boy won’t be forgotten either.

Thanks for reading : )

Rest

2011-12-28T22:21:00.001-06:00

I just got home from church. The message that was preached confirmed some wonderful things I have been learning from the Lord. The things I am going to tell you may seem small, but to me they are huge. They are life lessons that have taken me forty some odd years to “get”. God never gives up on us!!!

My Christmas decorations are 85% put away. Any other year, I would have had them down, put up, and the whole house totally in order the day after Christmas. This year, I am resting in the Lord. Resting in the fact that He loves me unconditionally. Having my house in order does not make me more loveable or a better person. It isn’t the act of putting away or not putting away the Christmas stuff that was wrong for me. It was my motivation for getting it done. If I didn’t have it done, I would be stressed and think less of myself. I don’t have to perform for God’s love!! That is a freeing revelation!!! This is rest.

I do not have my grocery list for our healthy eating plan written down. I don’t even have “the Plan”. This is laughable to me. So many years I have made my own plan and tried to make changes on my own. For me, God is not giving me an overall plan. It will be a day to day, maybe even meal to meal, leading of the Holy Spirit. Oh my humanity (flesh) wants to plan it, sweat over it, write it down and have it all neat and tidy. God wants me to listen for his direction. It’s a new way for me. God’s way ALWAYS LEADS TO VICTORY. This is rest

Some friends of mine have problems. I cannot solve them. I want to give them ultimatums and tangible steps for them to take to “fix” their troubles. This is not what is going to happen. I will be praying for them and God will lead me. Maybe there will be a time to tell them something specific. Maybe I will be praying for Him to send someone else to help them. I don’t know, and I am okay with that. This is rest.

If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know my relationship with God is very real to me. I hope you have a relationship with your Creator. If you don’t, ask Him to come into your life. Ask Him to be your Savior. Then find a church that preaches the Word of God and attend it regularly. He will become real to you too and you can have rest, no matter if your Christmas decorations are put up or not.

Thanks for reading : )

Christmas Craftiness

2011-12-26T22:42:00.001-06:00

I couldn’t post these until now because I was giving them as Christmas presents. They are magnetic bulletin boards.

I found some frames at A to Z, it is a huge store on each side of 71 hwy that has every imaginable kind of ~~junk~~ cheap stuff. Tom painted the frames for me and cut the metal. I covered the metal with fabric and made the magnets. The girls I gave these to for Christmas like them!!

Each board had matching magnets. They were made from “gems” that you would put in vases, than I glued the matching fabric to them and then the magnet on the back. I am happy with the way they turned out. It was fun picking out the material for each person I was making the boards for.

I got this idea from Pinterest. You should check it out if you haven’t already.

Thanks for reading : )

I’m on a Mission

2011-12-03T22:16:00.001-06:00

I’ve been having problems with my bath towels smelling……….not good. I knew my front load washer was the culprit. It has been the strangest experience. My washer didn’t smell; the towels didn’t smell when I got them out of the washer to put in the dryer. They didn’t smell until we got them wet again, (i.e. when we were using them to dry off). I was beginning to think I was losing my mind a little. It seems a lot of other people have had the same problem. I’ve read about it on the internet. I can’t be positive, but I think my problem started after I had been using liquid detergent in my machine for a few months. Before that, I had always used powder.

So I have been on a quest to remedy this problem. First I ran baking soda and vinegar through the machine. It seemed to do the trick for awhile, then the smell was back. So periodically, I would put some baking soda in with the towels before washing. That helped a lot.

I found a recipe for homemade laundry detergent online. I bought some of the ingredients, but never followed through and made it. I found a second recipe that sounded better to me. I mixed it up and have been using it for almost 3 weeks. My towels are great . The true test of its cleaning power was a pair of very dirty white socks; they came out bright white with one washing!!

This is my current mission…………….to tell EVERYONE I know about this wonderful detergent. Here is the recipe.

1 large box of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda (when I say large, it is about the same size as the next item listed)

1 box of Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda

1 box of Mule Team Borax

3 BARS of Fels Naptha laundry soap

1 tub OxyClean. (I used the store brand. It’s half the price)

I FOUND ALL THE INGREDIENTS IN THE LAUNDRY SOAP AISLE AT WALMART.

You have to grate the Fels Naptha with a cheese grater or food processor, then mix all the ingredients together. I used a trash bag inside of a trash can to get it all mixed. This makes a LARGE amount of soap.

I bought this storage jar at Walmart for $10. I took the picture with the Shout to show you the size. The small scoop sitting on top of the Shout can came from the Oxyclean tub. YOU CAN DO A FULL LOAD OF LAUNDRY WITH 2 SCOOPS!!!! From what I have read, I should be able to get a YEAR’S worth of laundry from this batch of soap (if I quit giving away samples of it for my friends to try ).

The ingredients cost around $14.50. You can’t beat that.

I’ve also learned that you can put white vinegar in your fabric softener dispenser and forgo fabric softener all together. I use the vinegar once in awhile, but I still use fabric softener sheets in the dryer.

Hope you try it and save a ton of $$$!!!

It is safe for front load and top load machines.

I know this hasn’t been riveting reading, but I hope it helps someone.

Thanks for reading and Happy Washing (and saving $$)

A Perfect Example

2011-11-16T21:08:00.001-06:00

of God’s love.

of God’s promise of a good future.

of Hope.

of Joy.

of Healing.

of His blessing.

When I saw this picture for the first time, it brought tears. Not because it is a sad picture, but because it represents all the things I mentioned above.

God has promised us good things and this picture shows me……………….. I am surrounded.

Thank you Lord, and thank you Jake for taking this amazing photo of Tom and your son.

Thanks for reading : )

New Stuff

2011-11-10T23:00:00.001-06:00

The first new thing I want to tell you about is my laptop. I’m typing away on it right now My office cycles out used equipment periodically and I was fortunate to have my name drawn for one of the laptops. I am enjoying it very much.

Pinterest. Heard of it? It is very cool. It’s like having everything listed on your “favorites” on your tool bar, pinned to a bulletin board. You can see stuff your friends like and they can see what you like. Click on the pics and it takes you to the website that gives you the DIY instructions, recipe, or where to buy stuff. There are other things too, but this is how I use it for now. I’m still fairly new to it.

Crafting – OMGoodness, I do not consider myself to be crafty/creative. I can make something look decent, but I’m not one of those talented people that sees something and thinks “oh, I could make so and so out of that”. But, I have gotten my craft on here lately. I can’t show you what I’ve been up to, because some of them are Christmas presents. However, I can show these. They are my favorite little guys’ handprints on Christmas ornaments. Would make great gifts for kids to make at school/church for their parents.

My favorite creative medium is food and I am focusing a lot on that this Christmas season. I’m giving a couple of homemade food items this year. The holiday season at the Jackson house will be Merry & Bright. Yes, we miss our boy so much and there will be tears. But we know that Peyton is with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords…………..can’t wait for our reunion.

I haven’t written much about keeping focused lately. The battle isn’t as hard. We’ve been trained and we are strong. If we don’t quit………….we WIN!!!!!!

Be Thankful and enjoy your families, and thanks for reading

Hooters?!?!?!

2011-10-24T17:02:00.000-05:00

I know the title has you wondering. I posted yesterday that I had a Peyton story about this gun.

When Peyton was 13 or 14, we went to Tulsa for a shopping trip. One of Peyton’s goals for the day was to talk me into taking him to Hooters, you know, the restaurant with the exquisite cuisine and ~~modestly dressed~~ waitresses. It wasn’t happening.

The grandpa of the people we were with, had a booth set up at the gun show in Tulsa. We dropped the boys off for a couple of hours. It was a reprieve for all of us. When we picked them up, Peyton had purchased this .22 pistol from the grandpa. He gave him a really good deal on it .

Here’s a closer look at the handle.

Do you see that emblem??? It’s an owl. Peyton called this gun his Hooters pistol. Dang kid.

Hope this made you smile. I am.

Thanks for reading : )

2nd Annual PDJ “Let ‘Em Have It” Shootout

2011-10-23T16:52:00.001-05:00

We had the shootout yesterday and it was a success. Several competitors, lots of friends & some good food made it a great day.

As people were eating and visiting, I heard Peyton’s name brought up several times. Makes me smile. I am thankful Peyton’s friends are comfortable talking about him. During these (almost) 4 years, I hope Tom & I have conveyed the fact that leaving this earth does not mean the end. It is the next step of our eternal journey. It is so important to talk about people who have gone to Heaven before us. They are part of our past, but more importantly they are in our future.

On a side note: God is in the details.

A few days ago, I was thinking about the pictures I wanted to take at the shootout. I wanted one of all the cars parked in front of the house. I then thought about how difficult it is to take pictures and visit with everyone. God provided the answer to my dilemma and He fulfilled it with excellence. I did take a few pictures, but Jake took the majority of them and he did an exceptional job, including the one of the front of the house …….that I didn’t even ask for……God is good like that.

Here are some more pictures. Evidence of a good time.

I’ve got a Peyton story about this gun. I’ll share it tomorrow.

Thanks for reading

Catch up Post

2011-10-21T20:09:00.001-05:00

I’ve looked over my last few blog posts and wondered what I have been doing since the last time I posted. I’ve been living life.

I’ve baked, cleaned, worked, cooked some great soups, had people over for dinner, etc. Life in the Jackson world is good and blessed.

I recently got a promotion at work. It has been a small rollercoaster with people adjusting to the changes, but has turned out right and I am excited. This new position will stretch me right out of my comfort zone and I AM NOT NERVOUS!! I know God is with me and He enables me to do what I cannot do. That excites me even more than the actual promotion. God is good like that. : )

Tomorrow is Peyton’s 20th birthday. Tom & I went to the cemetery today and changed out the floral arrangement. We have several of these stored in our attic from Peyton’s home going service. The one Tom chose has a cowboy boot and deer antlers in it. I don’t even remember seeing it before. It’s weird the things that stick in my mind about that time and the things that don’t.

We are having the 2nd Annual PDJ “Let ‘Em Have It” Shootout tomorrow. We’re hoping for a big turnout. I’ll post pics after the event.

Thanks for reading : )

Another “Coincidence”?

2011-10-09T09:30:00.001-05:00

On this blog, I hope I stress the fact that God loves us so much. He shows us everyday and if we will pay attention, we will see it.

This is an obvious example of His love for us.

A friend of Peyton’s (& ours) was having a bad day. She pulled up behind a white Dodge pick-up at a stop light. She took a picture of what she saw. It made her day better : )

Baseball was Peyton’s sport of choice while growing up……………7 was his number ………and he drove a white Dodge pick up. We never had stickers made like this and don’t know who these people are, but God knows.

He wanted to tell her He loves her and He cares about every aspect of her life.

He loves and cares about you too!!!!

Thanks for reading : )

p.s. This wasn’t coincidence.

Courageous

2011-10-09T08:38:00.001-05:00

A group of us from church went to see Courageous. I knew it was a Christian movie, but didn’t know much else about it.

It took me by surprise.

I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, so I won’t say much, but there was lots of laughing and crying going on in the audience.

I’ve seen Fireproof. The message in it is good, but my opinion of the acting………not so good. This show is much better in the acting department.

Have any of you seen it?? What did you think?

Check out the trailer on YouTube. I couldn’t get it to embed in this post for some reason, so I settled for the movie poster.

Thanks for reading : )

Baking Post #1

2011-09-25T21:39:00.001-05:00

Side note: I just downloaded LiveWriter 2011. The program has been asking me to for months, but I didn’t want to take the time. I’ll let you know how it goes after a few posts.

The cooler temps we are finally experiencing have awakened the baker in me. Since I’ve been so lax about posting, I thought I would post the recipes I have been baking on the weekends. I made these cookies last weekend. I just decided to blog about them, so there’s no picture of the finished product.

These cookies have a great texture. Oatmeal cookies with a little twist. I gave a sample to a lady and told her it was like holding autumn in your hand! I hope you try them

Cranberry Orange Oatmeal Cookies
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 (1 stick) plus 6 Tblspns butter, softened
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. orange extract
1 tsp. molasses
3 cups old fashioned oats
1 cup dried cranberries (craisins)
Heat oven to 350. Combine flour, baking soda, cinnamon & salt. Set aside.

In a large bowl, beat butter and sugars until creamy. Beat in eggs one at a time, thoroughly mixing after each addition. Add vanilla, molasses and orange extract; beat well. Add flour mixture, mix well. Add oats and dried cranberries, mix well.

Drop by rounded tablespoons (I used a small scoop) onto foil lined baking sheets (I sprayed my with PAM)

Bake 10-13 minutes or until light golden brown. Cool 1 minute on cookie sheets before moving to cooling racks.

These cookies are really good made exactly by the recipe. However, I think they would have been even better with a little more orange flavor, Maybe some orange zest? I will definitely try the zest the next time I bake these.

I’m sure you could eliminate the molasses, but it gives them a deep flavor you don’t want to miss.

Thanks for reading (This emoticon is a feature of the updated LiveWriter. I like it!)

Little Guys We Enjoy So Much

2011-09-25T21:05:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago, we had some fun times with our favorite boys.

Four Wheeler rides!!!

Go faster Tom!!!

Pure joy :)

Ice Cream!!!!!

Sharing :)

We love these boys and their parents. Their hugs are precious to us and we are grateful to have them in our lives.

Thanks for reading :) (not so much reading this time, but thanks for looking)

Dip-Tacular!!!!!

2011-08-31T07:38:00.001-05:00

I'm linked with another blog today that is sharing dip recipes. I've made this one a couple of times and it's always a hit.

Chicken Enchilada Dip

1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast cooked and shredded
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1 (8 ounce) jar mayonnaise
1 (8 ounce) package shredded Cheddar cheese
1 (4 ounce) can diced green chile peppers
1 jalapeno pepper, finely diced (optional)

Directions

Place shredded chicken in a medium bowl, and mix in cream cheese, mayonnaise, Cheddar cheese, green chile peppers and jalapeno pepper. Transfer the chicken mixture to a medium baking dish.
Bake uncovered in the preheated oven 30 minutes, or until the edges are golden brown.

Serve with tortilla chips.

Make sure to check out the other links and great recipes : )

Coincidence? I think not.

2011-08-28T18:02:00.001-05:00

In my previous post, I said something about a special gift God gave me in the EXCEL class I was taking.

When I figured out that I needed an EXCEL class, I went to the internet and found one at our Adult Education Center. It started THAT NIGHT. I wasn’t sure I could sign up that late, but I called anyway. I was told it would be fine to register a few minutes before the class.

While driving over I was thinking about what it was going to be like walking into a room of strangers by myself. I would have no one there that knew me or knew about Peyton. I don’t think I have experienced that before. You don’t know how well you are going to get to know someone in a classroom setting. Would we have a chance to talk? Would questions be asked about family situations? If I was asked about how many children I had, would it be a downer for everyone who heard my answer?

God graced me with courage. I went in and sat down in front of a computer. A few other people came into the classroom and then a lady I had met at church a couple of years ago, came into the class and sat down right beside me. She looked at me and thought she should know me, but couldn’t place my face. She asked if she knew me and I said yes and explained how we knew each other.

So I wasn’t in a room with a bunch of strangers. Someone knew me and knew my story. I’m not to the point where I am okay with people not knowing about Peyton. I know that as I make new friends, of course I will tell them about my son. But for a casual acquaintance, I need to be okay with them not knowing. I will get there someday, but I didn’t have to be there that night. God is good like that.

Thanks for reading :)

Surgery, Shelves and Spreadsheets

2011-08-27T17:31:00.001-05:00

Can I incorporated these three subjects into an easy to read and mildly entertaining blog post?? I’m willing to try :)

A couple of months ago, I had to go to the emergency room for a gall bladder attack. Let me tell you, it was not pleasant AT ALL. I had a couple of tests run and they determined my gall bladder was not functioning very well, thus the cause of the pain. I had it removed (SURGERY). While recovering at home, I thought I would get all kinds of amazing & organizational chores done. Not so much.

My dear husband built some shelving in the extra bedroom closet, because I just knew I could get all the Christmas decorations organized while I was off. I am sitting in the extra bedroom right now with all sorts of holiday trimmings surrounding me. I have started putting things on the SHELVES, maybe I’ll finish tomorrow :)

I had been given a project at work that involved SPREADSHEETS; EXCEL to be specific. I was holding my own and completing the project in a timely manner, but I knew I could be doing better. So, I checked out our Adult Education Center and signed up for a Beginners EXCEL class. I’m halfway through the class and will take the next class for the Intermediate level.

A couple of things I have learned during these times:

1. I am not a super woman. I had to let go of my self imposed timeline of recovering from surgery and getting things organized.

2. God provides me with what I need.

He provided an excellent surgeon.

I needed a class; He provided the class THAT NIGHT and the funds to pay for it.

I need His Grace to take this class. It starts right after work and lasts for 3 hours. I would rather be at home. My body would rather be sitting on the couch, not in an office chair for 3 additional hours.

Well there it is, a blog post about three totally unrelated subjects :) I have more to tell about the EXCEL class. God gave me a special gift, but that is for another post

Thanks for reading :)

'The Help' Trailer HD

2011-08-16T08:39:00.000-05:00

I've read the book twice and saw the movie this past weekend. I recommend!!! Hope you enjoy : )

Thanks for reading : )

Did He or Didn’t He?………………… oh, He Did

2011-08-12T22:36:00.001-05:00

Several months ago, I said I would tell some stories about Peyton that were not so positive, so you could get a well rounded picture of who he was. Well here goes.

Peyton was a young 15 year old when he did this.

I woke up from a sound sleep because the dog was barking. Dusty slept with Peyton, so I knew something was up. I went to Peyton’s room and he was not there. It was around midnight. I was furious. I went around the house and locked every door and window. He wasn’t getting back in the house without me knowing. Of course I could not go back to sleep. I kept wondering who he was with. He wasn’t old enough to drive and neither were any of his friends.

About 45 minutes passed, Tom & I were discussing what we were going to do. I went back to his room. I could see a wet footprint where he had tried to get back through his window. I called him on his cell, “where are you?”

“In the ‘63.” he said. (that was Tom’s old pick-up)

“Get in here.”

I opened the front door and there he was wearing only his boxers. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he had been out by the pond thinking. He couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t been acting like himself for most of the day. I thought he was having girl troubles, so it would be perfectly understandable for him not being able to sleep.

This thought flitted through my mind, “Is he smart enough to strip down to his boxers to make this story believable?” I told myself, “Becky, you are too hard on him; let it go.”

Peyton & I were talking after he got back in bed. I told him he knew what he did was wrong, or he wouldn’t have gone out the window, etc., etc. and I let the whole thing drop.

After Peyton moved to Heaven, I found out he really did sneak out with some friends (that were not old enough to drive). Yes, he was smart enough to strip down to his boxers and hide his clothing. I don’t know why I brushed that thought away. Maybe he needed to get away with something; I don’t know.

There were times when I felt Peyton was only a half a step behind me and gaining ground all the time. I thank God for the wisdom He gave me to raise a son like Peyton. It was a challenge and a joy. There was never a dull moment and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Thanks for reading : )

Simply Funny Misunderstanding

2011-08-12T00:40:00.001-05:00

I hope this reads funny, cause it cracked me up. A bedtime conversation with my husband.

Tom: The stove clock was blinking this morning.

Me: WHY DIDN’T YOU FIX IT?? (not yelling, but annoyed)

Tom: I did. (in a hurt tone)

Me: Oh, well so did I. The electricity must have flickered again after you left.

I totally cracked up. I’m laughing again now. It was such a silly thing, but I couldn’t believe he didn’t fix it and he couldn’t believe I thought he didn’t fix it.

Then I’m lying there thinking about blogging it and he turns and says, “You’re going to put this on the blog, aren’t you?” I just laughed a little harder.

Thanks for reading : )

Growth & Change

2011-08-06T21:12:00.001-05:00

Our surrogate children are growing up. Another batch of graduates is heading off to college. This one is changing colleges and will be an hour away. Not very far, but it will be different. He won’t be stopping by as often. We’ve promised to visit him and buy his dinner once in awhile. We love him like our own.

My cousins who live next door are BOTH moving off to college this year, an hour away. I am going to miss them so much.

I know there is more to my missing them than just the fact I will be seeing them all less. They carry a piece of Peyton with them and when they come to our home, he is there too. Even more than that, each of them lets Tom & I be parents to some extent and that has helped us.

It is hard having a son in Heaven who doesn’t need you, but in your mind he is forever 16. I love being his mom.

Change is inevitable. It is the way things are supposed to be and is expected. I remind myself of this on a regular basis. I actually like change. I enjoy trying new things and taking on different responsibilities.

I ask God to help me strike a balance between remembering my son and pressing on toward the future. I am praying that I will not miss anything God has for my life because I am holding on to the past. I know God has exciting things for Tom and I to accomplish. He loves us so much.

Thanks for reading :)

A Little “folding” Money

2011-07-05T13:05:00.001-05:00

Or should I say, a little money folding?

I was invited to a very special baby shower. Some friends of ours got to bring their newly adopted baby girl home a few days ago. She is precious and blessed. God’s hands have been all over this family from the beginning. You can read about it here.

The invitation to the shower presented a challenge. “bring a creatively unwrapped gift” How in the world do you do that??? My first thought was a money tree, but then it evolved into something more :)

I made tissue paper flowers and sticky tak’d butterflies made out of $$$ to the flowers. (you can learn the coolest stuff from the internet, even origami)

I was wondering if I chose the right color of flowers, because the pot I used had red on it. I didn’t choose the correct colors; God did. I was so surprised when I walked into the shower and my gift matched the decorations. Blue, purple and lime green are also the colors of the nursery.

I wish I could say I was being super spiritual while I was doing this project, but I can’t. I actually made a white flower and a pink flower but I didn’t like the way they turned out, so I ended up with the blue, purple, & green.

This tells me God is into details. Things we think are insignificant, He will use to tell us He loves us. Don’t confine God to things you think are “big & important”, invite Him into the small stuff too. God wants to be involved in our “everyday”.

Thanks for reading : )

Love and Fear

2011-06-26T19:00:00.001-05:00

“The strongest person you will ever meet is a person who knows how much God loves them.” This is paraphrased from something my Pastor said this morning.

Isn’t that so true!?!?!?!!!!!

People have told me I am strong. I’ve never felt I was particularly strong. I have some really low moments. But I do know how much God loves me. The fact that God loved me, was the only thing I was sure of after Peyton’s accident.

I John 4:18

¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Having the confidence of God’s love, enables us to live this life without fear.

I see people living in fear and they don’t even realize it.

Fear of rejection

Fear of death

Fear of failure

Fear of not being enough

Fear of not finding or being loved

God loves us so much. Live life fearless. Live life as though you know how much you are loved by the Creator of the universe. If you don’t know or if no one has told you, read the following Bible verse.

John 3:16

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Don’t be skeered; leave a comment!!! I know they will be very good and thought provoking.

Thanks for reading : )

Spoiled to the Max

2011-06-21T22:21:00.001-05:00

I’ve been spoiled these last 3 yrs and 5 months. How? I’ve had major events to celebrate my son and bring him to people’s minds.

Peyton Jackson Memorial Baseball Tournament – 4 times

Presenting the Peyton Jackson Memorial Scholarship – 3 times

Football Program pages – 2 times

Visiting Stuart’s parents in Colorado – 1 time

Stuart’s parents visiting us – 1 time

Annual PDJ Let ‘em Have It Shoot-out – 1 time

Peyton’s Class’s Graduation

The Quilt

ESPN story

These celebrations have been a tremendous blessing to us. It allows us to talk about Peyton and remember with friends. They have been a constant reassurance that people haven’t forgotten.

The way I’ve been spoiled the most is right here on this blog. I get to ramble away about my son (and post pictures :)) and people who have never met him, get to know him and then they support me with wonderful comments.

Yes, I am spoiled. I am abundantly blessed beyond measure.

I’ve said that I want to write about other things. That hasn’t happened too often………..yet. Keep reading, cause God isn’t through with me.

Thanks for reading : )

ESPN Link

2011-06-21T06:31:00.001-05:00

The past couple of days Tom and I have experienced a lot of emotions.

The story on rodeo safety aired Sunday morning. It was hard for us to watch, especially for Tom, it was Father’s Day. Even though it was difficult, it was a good for us. It’s an amazing thing to see your son’s picture on national television. We both wished it was for a different reason.

I’ve received many positive comments on Facebook and numerous texts about the show. It is good to be loved and cared for.

Below is the link to our segment. If you don’t know how this all came about, you can read about it in this post.

Thanks to everyone who supports us and misses Peyton with us. We love you and appreciate you so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xcWdYKyuSg

Thanks for reading (and watching). : )

Fathers Day Tribute to the Best Fathers I Know

2011-06-18T22:05:00.001-05:00

Being sentimental today and posting some pictures. Thanks for letting me share them with you.

Tom had the best dad and he taught Tom how to be a great dad. He has been in Heaven since 1996.

Three generations, a very joyful day.

Sleeping dad, sleeping baby boy.

Laughing boy, laughing.

A horse that was in a pasture behind our house.

It’s the little things that make Tom a great dad. Helping Peyton brush his teeth : )

Oh my goodness, how I love this one.

Tom was Peyton’s first bull.

Wiping down Peyton’s 4 wheeler so he could bring it back into the house.

I love how they are lying exactly alike. I guess that’s why I took the pic.

Playin’

Successful hunt

A very successful hunt : )

They shelled pecans for me every year for baking. Tom still does.

Christmas 2007, Peyton’s last one on earth. How I treasure the pictures taken that holiday.

I hope your Fathers Day is a happy one.

Thanks for reading : )

Lacking Substance?

2011-06-16T18:18:00.001-05:00

A good friend read my last blog post and then ask me some questions. Questions I should have answered in the post, but didn’t. It got me to thinking. Have I glossed over too much lately? Am I lacking substance in my posts? I have and yes, my posts are lacking substance.

I haven’t wanted to post anything. I don’t want to examine the changes my life is continuing to go through. I have been superficial to make it easier to write.

I decided when I first started this blog I would tell all, good, bad and the ugly. It’s not really all that ugly, but it is deep and new to me. I have mentioned “growing as a person”, “God bringing change into my life”, “letting go of limits” and “stepping out of my comfort zone”, but haven’t gone into detail. I don’t want to be conscious of the changes, because then I will have to face how pitiful I was before. : )

Changes

Working out – not confining myself to the treadmill, but venturing out into kettle bell workouts & kick boxing. I’ve been wanting to do kick boxing for some time. I’m not far into either of these, but I will be, there is no stopping or turning back. No more excuses.

Bow Shooting – This activity was so foreign to me. That was the reason to do it!!!!!!

Doing things myself. It is very easy to fall into “I can’t do ___________ by myself”, when you have a great partner who will do it with you or FOR YOU.

I wasn’t alone when I went to Boston, but Tom wasn’t there for me to count on if things got difficult. Boston is great, but doing it on my own was the most beneficial part of the trip.

I shampooed the living room carpet. This seems so random, but I had never done it before. Tom did it for us. I realized I could do it and I did. Tom wasn’t even home : ) There are several small things like this that I have done lately. It makes me feel capable and accomplished.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, I hope you find these confessions of inadequacy strange and out of character. God has graced me in some areas and I am grateful. God is showing me other areas to change and He is pruning me. I am grateful for this too. I will not stop growing!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading :)

and here’s a picture of my boy, cause I am really missing him.

World Traveler?…….only the U.S. so far :)

2011-06-13T20:20:00.001-05:00

Another journey out of my comfort zone.

I have flown 3 times in my life. All three times have been since Peyton has been in Heaven. This time was the first time to fly without my husband. God has brought some very cool opportunities to me. He loves me so much.

Do you know this skyline? It was the view from my hotel room a week ago.

Boston Massachusetts!!!!!!

I had a wonderful trip with a great lady. We are friends, co-workers, sisters in Christ and we graduated high school together!!

We were there for a work conference. We were able to fit in some sight seeing. Boston is a great city.

Street Performer

Fresh flower stand.

Caroline and I after our carriage ride through the city.

This is embedded in the sidewalk. There is a 2.5 mile Freedom Trail you can follow of historical landmarks

Statue of Paul Revere. Yes, there is a Bruins jersey on it. The locals were very proud of it. I don’t know if they put it on him or not :)

I took this picture while on a trolley tour. I wish I would have seen it up close. It is a Holocaust memorial. The six columns represent the smokestacks from the ovens in the concentration camps. There are victims’ names engraved on the walls of the columns. Such a horrific event that we should not forget.

My life is changing in ways I would not have imagined. It is full of good things and I am growing as a person. God doesn’t want us to remain the same. God’s character stays the same, but He is a progressive and mobile God. He wants us to go beyond. Beyond what we can even imagine. I am continually letting go of preconceived ideas and limits. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am More than a Conqueror……….and so are you!!!!

Thanks for reading :)

p.s.

The ESPN show about rodeo safety that I talked about in this post, is supposed to air this Sunday, June 19th. It is going to be on the show “Outside the Lines” on ESPN2, 9:00 a.m. central time.

I do not know how much they will use of the footage they took of us or how much they will mention Peyton. I don’t believe that was the purpose them coming. You can read about that in this post too ;)

A New Hobby

2011-06-11T21:37:00.001-05:00

I have been stepping out of my comfort zone…….a lot.

The new hobby I mentioned in the previous post is bow shooting. I don’t plan on hunting. I’m shooting at targets only. I know there are bow competitions held around here. Who knows? I may sign up for one :)

Here is what happened the first time I shot.

Two huge bruises on my forearm. Bruises I learned from.

Sorry for the blurriness. I am having camera issues.

I’m all healed up and shooting again, getting more accurate all the time (and stronger, pulling back that bow is not easy)

This is Mrs. Peanut, she is getting good!!!

I love this pic of Tom and I shooting together. A symbol of change, new interests and living life.

I can’t help but think of Peyton when I shoot. I know he would be so proud of his mom!!!

Thanks for reading :)

Empty Nest

2011-05-29T16:00:00.001-05:00

Tom & I are very different people. He loves the outdoors, fishing, hunting, etc. I am an inside person, reading, cooking, tv, etc. The things we have in common are our relationship with God, church activities and our son.

Parenting Peyton was the focus of our lives. We share our memories of him and we share missing him. But we can no longer share his everyday life.

Parents adjust to “empty nest” syndrome all the time. It is especially difficult when the empty nest doesn’t come naturally. In the “normal” order of things, your child or children gradually pull away from you as they mature and then they go out on their own.

I remember as Peyton was maturing and wanting more independence; it was very hard to let go. I knew it could be a great battle between us, so I was honest with him. I told him that he would have to be patient with me; and that it was hard for me to adjust to him growing up, but I would get there.

The time for me to “get there'” was cut short and I was suddenly thrown into living without him. He’s not coming home for a visit. Peyton will not bring us grandchildren.

Tom & I have many surrogate children that bring us much joy, but I’ll be darned if they aren’t growing up and leaving too. As it should be. (and they better bring me some surrogate grandchildren in the ~~not so distant~~ distant future) We still have our favorite little guys to play with and some other babies are already on the way. :)

Thanks for reading :)

This post did not turn out the way I started it at all. The title was “A New Hobby”. Tom and I have found ourselves looking for things to do together. I have taken up a hobby that Tom has been doing for awhile. I’ll tell you all about it in another post.

Is that Fear?

2011-05-10T08:05:00.001-05:00

The first time I spoke to the producer of the ESPN story, I was very nervous afterward. I wasn’t sure if this was something Tom and I should do. Fear had a very loud voice and I was listening. I was having trouble distinguishing if the thoughts I was having were fear or God telling me not to do it.

I told a few people that I was nervous and was told twice, “You don’t have to do this.” I was shocked at their words but they were right; I didn’t have to do this. Then I knew it was fear talking to me the whole time. I did have to do this.

There is a difference between fear and a check (uneasiness) in your spirit. If you feel a check or STOP in your spirit, you need to stop. If it’s fear………laugh in its face. Don’t let fear steal a blessing. Don’t let fear stop you from being a blessing. I was taught, “Feel the fear and do it any way.”

God is with us always. He leads us to victory.

Thanks for reading :)

ESPN…………really.

2011-05-02T20:30:00.001-05:00

God is a wonderful conductor and will orchestrate things perfectly, if we let Him.

There were several links in the chain of events that put a producer from ESPN in touch with me. We emailed a few times and spoke on the phone. Tom and I agreed to do an interview for a story on rodeo safety. I didn’t understand why we were doing the interview and I examined my motives carefully. Was I doing it for notoriety? for an opportunity to talk about Peyton? something cool to blog about? Lots of self examination going on inside my head, but I got peace about it. I was still nervous and my stomach turned over about three times any time I thought about it.

Last Monday the reporter, Paula and I spoke on the phone. She wanted to introduce herself and talk a little before she came to our home on Wednesday. She told me this would be a difficult interview for her because her 5 month old baby boy, Wyatt had gone to Heaven in December.

Now I knew why we were doing this interview. It was an opportunity to support a grieving mom. God will go to great lengths to supply our every need. I don’t want to make more of myself, because I have nothing uplifting or good outside of God. He is my Father and is with me always. The nervousness I had about the interview left me. This arrangement wasn’t about the ESPN interview, it was about physical contact with a mother who misses her baby boy. God is good, all the time.

On human terms, it was a very cool thing for us and I loved being able to talk about Peyton too :) We had five people involved, two camera men, one sound man, a producer and the reporter. I was interviewed for about 45 minutes; then they asked Tom some questions. He did excellent :) Here are a few pics of the process our home went through.

Moving the furniture.

Using dining room chairs for the interview. (I don’t think the deer head made it into any of the shots.)

Sound man :)

Putting up clothe to block the uncooperative sunlight.

The crew testing the camera angles, sound equipment, etc.

Camera man looking into the monitor.

Me, Paula & Tom :)

Everyone was really nice (and they moved the furniture back)

Thanks for reading :)

Me & Funerals

2011-05-01T21:16:00.001-05:00

Friday, I attended a funeral for a great man, Charles B. Dyer. He has been the superintendent of our school system since 1968. Mr. Dyer was a pioneer and a visionary concerning the funding of our public schools. His funeral was large and had some very important people in attendance, such as Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe. A letter from former President Bill Clinton was read and other people spoke. I did not attend this funeral because it was a big, important person’s. I attended to show the family support. I have been a good friend of Mr. Dyer’s son since high school.

I confess that before Peyton’s accident, I did not think attendance of funerals was very important. Not because I am an unfeeling person, but because I believed the family wouldn’t know if I were there or not. I was wrong.

When I think back on all the people that attended Peyton’s visitation and funeral, I am grateful. I am grateful that people would put aside their own schedules and show support to hurting people.

It was several months before I was able to go to a funeral after Peyton’s. I didn’t want to make a spectacle of myself. I am strong enough now to go and show my support and sympathy.

If you think like I used to think, think again. Your presence is appreciated and the families are blessed by your attendance.

Thanks for reading :)

p.s. The ESPN thing I talked about in this post……it happened Wednesday. I will post it tomorrow :)

Spirit of Generosity

2011-04-07T21:37:00.001-05:00

I said in the previous post, I would tell more of the quilt story. God’s involvement didn’t end when the quilt was finished.

There were some special ladies I wanted to see the quilt. I called one of them and invited myself over and asked if I could invite another lady over too. SHE WAS ALREADY THERE. I kept them in suspense until I arrived.

We were standing/sitting around the living room looking at the quilt. I was explaining to them about each square and the design and the symmetry of the whole thing. I told how God put me and the seamstress together and His hand was on it the whole time. It was good to talk about. Then we realized……………each woman in the room had lost a son. There were four of us together admiring this handiwork, not just the quilt, but the orchestration of that moment. God is generous with His love.

I want to share some comments that were made on Facebook.

This was written to me.

Rejoice with those who rejoice [sharing others' joy], and weep with those who weep [sharing others' grief]. Romans 12:15

How awesome to rejoice with you yesterday, friend. How amazing it was that you showed the quilt to us yesterday and all four women present have sons who have died. AND...we all experienced God's grace to rejoice to...gether.

Thank you for sharing the joy and the journey with us!

P.S. Jenny, I've never met you, but I wanted you to know your creative gift from God ministered to all of us as we marveled at Peyton's quilt.

This was Jenny’s (the seamstress) comment to the one above.

Wow, that's all I can say. I never dreamed that God would use this quilt in such a way. Our God is an Awesome God alright!

I had named the photo album on Facebook – PDJ Memory Quilt – stitched with love by Jenny. This is Jenny’s comment on the album.

Becky, It was MOST DEFINITELY made with love, every single stitch! I can't explain what an honor it was that you asked me to do this. (tears are flowing :) Whether you realize it or not, God was using you the whole time I was working on this, inspiring me by your walk, your strength, and your love for Him. I just thought you should know that. God Bless you and Tom and thank you again!

She is thanking me?!?!? That is a generous spirit.

Every time we have shown the quilt, people have thanked us for showing it to them. That is generosity. It humbles me. I am grateful they want to see it and am happy to share it with them.

I love how God uses us all to be a blessing to one another. That is what the Body of Christ should be about, supporting, loving and using our gifts to build up one another.

I hope sharing this experience has encouraged you today. Use your God given gifts generously.

Thanks for reading :)

p.s. for those who’ve asked – I plan on keeping the quilt on the quilt rack in the living room so I can grab it and cover up whenever I need to ;)

The Quilt

2011-04-04T21:38:00.001-05:00

I’m sure I’ve mentioned I was having something special made. It turned out better than I could have imagined. I knew this would be the case because God was ALL OVER IT!!!! When I had the idea for the quilt, I asked God to send me the right person for the job. After all, I didn’t want to hand over Peyton’s things to just anyone.

The right person was Jenny. She is a sweetheart and very talented and very tenacious and very dedicated and very… You get the picture, she is special. I knew she was the woman for the task at hand. I had no doubts when I handed over Peyton’s clothes to her that they were in capable hands, anointed hands, divinely appointed hands.

She spent 18 months of her life putting this memory quilt together. If you check out her blog, you will see she squeezes every moment out of every day. She would tell me from time to time she was sorry it was taking so long. I had no fear, no anxiety. I had perfect peace that it would be finished when it was supposed to be finished. So here it is.

Sorry Facebook friends, this is a rerun for you, but I had to share on my blog too :)

This is the completed quilt. It is approximately 5 x 5.

The center square is from a t-shirt of Tom’s dad’s. He was notorious for keeping every fish he caught, no matter its size.:) Peyton wore it to sleep in after his PaPa went to Heaven. (15 yrs ago)

Some of Peyton’s favorite shirts. I love the way she did the collars on each one.

His jeans with boxers hidden underneath. What a personal touch.

The quilt backing was a sheet from his bedding. She incorporated the Browning symbol on the front too.

This piece may be the closest to my heart. Peyton wore these Wranglers during the day of his accident to help a friend paint his house. I believe those are Peyton’s fingerprints wiping paint onto his pants. I remember telling him. “I can’t believe you wore those BRAND NEW Wranglers to paint in!”

You can imagine how special this quilt is to our family. God is concerned with the details of our lives. He wanted me to be blessed with this quilt.

There are more stories of blessing connected to this divine gift. I will share “the rest of the story” in another post. I hope you have enjoyed looking at the pictures as much as I have enjoyed sharing them with you.

Thanks for reading :)

Tourney Time

2011-03-28T19:53:00.001-05:00

This weekend was the fourth annual, Peyton Jackson Memorial Baseball Tournament. It is such an honor and we are very grateful. It was very cold, but NO RAIN!! Thank you Lord. This Arkansas weather is crazy. We had temps in the 80s last week then the weekend was cold.

The tournament director is a good friend of ours and he did a great job for the opening ceremony.

He read Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Some of Peyton’s friends were there. Burke threw the opening pitch and Adam caught it. This was the first tournament they had been able to attend. Every other year, they had been playing high school baseball out of town. It was good to have them there. Hope you enjoy the pictures.

Thanks for reading :)

My Foundation

2011-03-27T21:49:00.001-05:00

Tonight, I visited the church I used to attend. It was our first church and it was where our spiritual foundation was laid.

Neither Tom nor I were raised in church. I received Christ as my Savior in high school, but didn’t grow in the Word or attend church. There came a time in our life that this world wasn’t enough. There had to be more to life than what we were living.

We attended this church and grew exponentially. The Word of God was so good and we were hungry!!! I know it is because of this foundation that we have been able not only to survive these past three years, but thrive.

Truths I focused on (and still focus on)

God is good and He loves us so much.

I know who my enemy is and he is the ultimate loser. (God and His people win this thing!!)

I base my life on the Word of God, not my life experiences. God’s Word supersedes any experience I may have.

What I focus on determines whether I win or lose the battle in my mind.

I am eternally grateful for the spiritual foundation laid in Tom and I during those early years. I know those truths are why we are standing today. God is the master craftsman and He continues to grow us up in Him. We are More than Conquerors.

I would love to read about the history of your Christian walk, so leave a comment. If you’re not in church growing in the Word, I encourage you to do so. Lay a firm foundation so you are able to stand against the enemy.

Thanks for reading :)

The Accident of 2003

2011-03-18T20:18:00.001-05:00

I started working for my present employer the first part of September in 2003. At the end of my fourth week, while making a delivery to a client, I was involved in a car accident.

An elderly gentleman crossed over into my lane of traffic and hit me head on. I saw him coming and hit my brakes, hard. When I came to a stop, I looked down at my foot and thought it was too far to the left compared to the alignment of my knee. Both bones in my lower right leg were broken.

A woman I work with came to the hospital. I couldn’t say anything to her, but I knew she was there and could hear her prayers. When Tom & Peyton got there, Peyton was crying. He was almost twelve years old and he didn’t like seeing his mom like that.

I was thinking about all of this today and missing that little twelve year old boy.

After the accident or before the accident? That is how I used to remember when things happened. A difficult time that I would never forget, helped me to keep things on a timeline. It felt odd to me to do this, but the accident was a major moment in my life. That car accident is no longer the “accident” that I ask myself about anymore. Now the question is, “was it before Peyton went to Heaven or after?”

I’m looking for a good event to be my point of reference. I don’t believe there is one big enough to overshadow the one I use now. I miss this kid so much.

Thanks for reading :)

Cooking for the Freezer

2011-03-16T22:16:00.001-05:00

I like to spend a Saturday or Sunday cooking things to put in the freezer. It makes eating healthier more convenient and less clean-up at meal times.

Pizza crust and sauce. The crust is made with 2 cups of whole wheat flour and 1 1/2 cups white flour. I make small individual crusts, bake them and put them in freezer bags.

Look at all that whole wheat goodness :)

The pizza sauce has no sugar.

Other things I have made ahead and put in the freezer.

Meatloaf (freeze before you cook it, thaw before you bake)

Hummus – I love this stuff and it is a healthy snack. Tom doesn’t enjoy it so I used to throw half of it away, now I make double batches and freeze it!!

I made a couple of batches of marinade for steak & chicken. I then put the marinade and fresh meat into freezer bags. When I took the meat out to thaw, the marinade was already in the bag!! I didn’t have to gather all the ingredients for marinade and there was no mess :)

I’ve been paying attention to sodium content in the foods I buy. Ever since the Daniel Fast last year, we eat a lot more canned beans. I realized I could eliminate all the sodium by cooking dry beans. I cooked a whole bag of black beans in a crock pot. I used what I needed for the recipe I was making and then froze the rest.

I know everyone is busy these days and I like to find the best tasting and most efficient way to prepare meals.

Please share something you do to make your cooking more enjoyable, easier and healthier.

Thanks for reading :)

This post was thrown together. I needed to write something to get back in the groove of blogging. Even so, I hope it was helpful to someone. :)

Surreal

2011-03-03T22:04:00.001-06:00

I don’t usually share about things unless they are for sure going to happen or have already happened. I’m making an exception.

I received an email from a producer from ESPN a couple of weeks ago (I Googled him, he’s legit). He wanted to speak to Tom & I about Peyton’s accident. He’s doing preliminary work on a story about rodeo safety and regulations. When I first read his email, I didn’t know what to feel. It didn’t evoke any emotion one way or the other. There was no blame to place on anything, so I never gave the equipment much thought. I did have a nice conversation with him and he said we may be called again. I told him that would be fine.

Today, we got a call from a woman from CBS news. She wanted to talk about Peyton’s accident too. Tom spoke to her. I don’t think she is interested in rodeo safety. I don’t know if you have heard about the bull rider in Florida. A sixteen year old girl was bucked off a bull and it kicked her in the chest. She died during surgery. Our prayers go out to this family. I believe this accident will be the focus of her story with Peyton added to the mix. I emailed her some pics of Peyton and a little of what I thought.

"Bull riding is not to be taken casually. Know your child. We knew Peyton very well and understood the passion he had for this dangerous sport. Peyton felt he HAD to ride bulls, kind of like breathing to him. We love our son and miss him more than we can convey. Do we wish things would have turned out differently? Yes we do. However, we would not have withheld our support from him under any circumstance."

I pray that something positive will come from these stories. However, if you see something about it on the news and it’s not positive, don’t worry about us. Tom and I are confident with the decisions we made raising our son. We are at peace and will not be shaken. God is good, all the time.

Thanks for reading :)

26 and Counting!

2011-02-23T20:58:00.001-06:00

This is what we looked like 26 years ago. So stinkin young!!!! Very happy :)

We started dating when I was a Sophomore and Tom was a Senior……..in high school. I wasn’t the best girlfriend all the time, but I’m glad he stuck with me. Love this man more every day.

This is us now. We feel kinda young. Still very happy :)

Photo Op Lost

2011-02-02T14:37:00.001-06:00

There is a nice layer of ice on pretty much everything here in our neck of the woods. Left work around 10:00 a.m. yesterday morning to get home safely. Still very cold this morning and everything is frozen. However………….Burke & Adam made it over in Burke’s 4 wheel drive truck a little while ago.

Burke get’s out of his truck and starts walking toward the workshop. Tom is standing there watching him. He said, “hey Burke” and pointed toward Burke’s truck. It was ~~rolling~~ sliding backwards down the driveway. Burke took off after it; by the time he reached it, it had stopped. Burke turns around, Adam is laughing and Tom is on the ground at the base of a tree. Tom fell down while he was trying to pick up a big rock to put behind Burke’s tire.

Lesson learned for me, if those three are together there is going to be an opportunity for some great photography. If only I’d been out there with my camera, we’d all be laughing now .

Come to think of it, they are out on the four wheeler now. I better get out there!!!

Young Guns………….and Tom

2011-01-25T18:26:00.001-06:00

Guns + Ammo + Shooting Range = Happy Men!!!

Click on the pics to check out the weaponry.

It was a fun weekend. We got to see a young man that was a good friend of Peyton’s that had moved away. It was neat to see these boys act like they hadn’t spent years apart. After they left, I told Tom, “I wish Peyton had been here with them.” He said, “They do too.”

We miss this kid.

It’s been a challenging couple of weeks. I am grateful the rollercoaster is smaller these days. There are dips, twists and turns, but they don’t grab our guts as hard or take our breath away for as long. God is good and His mercy endures forever.

Thanks for reading :)

Let the Fast Begin….again.

2011-01-24T19:32:00.001-06:00

Our church has started a 21 day fast. Each person should seek God and find out what they are to give up. Tom & I are following the guidelines of a Daniel Fast. We are eating vegetables, fruits, nuts, whole grains and some fruit juice. No meat, flour, sugar, etc. This is the third time we have fasted in this manner.

I found this post in my “drafts”. We not only started the fast, we ended it this past Sunday!! It wasn’t bad the first couple of weeks, but by the third week I was ready to be finished!!!! I don’t know why it got so difficult the last week.

Tom and I wrote out some God inspired goals for this year. Exciting things are going on in the Body of Christ!! God is on the move and we are going with Him.

I believe our next fast will be on a whole different level physically and spiritually. Now to walk out what God has given us to do, that is exciting!!!

Thanks for reading :)

Supported on Every Side

2011-01-23T20:15:00.001-06:00

My last post was about Tom & I going to work on the Peyton’s 3rd Heavenly Anniversary. We did go to work :)

When I got to my office, I sent an email to all the partners explaining what day it was and that my plan was to be very productive and leave around 3:00. I received several responses expressing support and prayers. I am very blessed on my job.

I was expecting company that evening. I was not disappointed.

We had every form of support, promises of prayer, emails, text messages, Facebook postings and lots of hugs. It is hard to live without Peyton and it sounds selfish, but it feels good to not be the only ones missing him. I got an opportunity to talk to a few of the girls. One of them told me she had asked her mom if it was “normal” to still cry about Peyton sometimes. They also talked to me about where they were and their reaction to the news of Peyton’s passing. I don’t know why, but I like hearing about it. It is sad and it hurts me to relive their pain with them, but their stories affirm the fact that Tom & I are not alone.

I love these people and I cannot wait to see what they become.

Thanks for reading :)

Another Step

2011-01-11T22:41:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow is the day, Peyton’s third anniversary in Heaven. I don’t know how a day on the calendar can make such a difference, but it does. The time is passing and we are still here without him. We are missing him terribly.

The past two anniversaries, Tom & I have taken the day off. However, Tom and I have decided we are going to work tomorrow. I don’t want to take this step. It is a step further away from the grief and closer to healing and wholeness, but I don’t want to do it.

My flesh is screaming, “Everyone will understand!! Stay home!!!”

My flesh will not dominate me and I will ~~quiet~~ annihilate satan’s whispers of self pity with the Word of God. I looked up the definition to annihilate (I was really checking to see if I spelled it right) it means - to reduce to utter ruin or nonexistence

God directs my path and tomorrow that path leads me to work. I’m sure I will shed some tears, but my mind will be focused on God’s promises and His grace and His love.

I’ll let you know how it went.

Now for some pictures of the boy I love so much.

I don’t think I’ve ever posted a pic like this. It was seconds before he went to Heaven.

This one is one of my faves. Big smile, that’s how the majority of my memories are of him.

Thanks for reading :) (and praying, and commenting)

Delurking Week

2011-01-09T07:52:00.001-06:00

Are you a lurker? Do you read this blog and not comment? It’s fine if you do, I hope you enjoy reading. However, your thoughts matter!!! Type them out in a comment and let me know you are there. I remember the first time I encouraged people who had never commented before to comment. One person did it and now she comments regularly. It’s the first time that’s hard, but you can do it!!!!

Thanks for reading (and commenting) :)

Thank You

2011-01-04T22:17:00.001-06:00

I admit it!!!! I read my own blog!!! When I am having a challenging time, I read old blog posts. A week from tomorrow will be Peyton’s third anniversary in Heaven. I’ve been shedding a few tears over the last few days. So, I’ve been reading my blog. If God can use those words to strengthen me once, He’ll use them again. :) Not only the posts, but your comments. I appreciate your support, prayers and encouragement.

Thank you for reading and all your comments over the last few years. (that last sentence sounded like I was signing off forever, but I’m not)

Just Mention His Name

2010-12-30T17:17:00.001-06:00

I’m rockin’ some purple streaks in my hair. This is a pic taken at Christmas with my sweet cousin Christine.

I’ve been asked, “Why?”

Why not?

I’ve had the urge for some unnatural hair color for several years. Originally I wanted pink, but that was when I was blonde. I thought purple fit better with the brown hair.

I did ask permission from my employer before I did it. They were cool with it. :)

I got a call from one of the partners where I work. He asked me why I had purple hair. I laughed and told him I thought it would be fun. I could tell he was smiling, not laughing, but smiling when he said, “Peyton would be embarrassed.” I said, “I KNOW!!! I went to the high school basketball games the other night and all the kids loved it, but it’s different when it’s your own parent.”

I said all that to say this. I love that he mentioned Peyton. He had met Peyton a couple of times and he has watched me miss him the past 3 years. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who are not afraid to bring up Peyton’s name.

If you know someone who is missing a child, spouse, loved one or friend, do not be afraid to talk about them. It is a blessing to hear their name, even if it brings tears. Be brave and cry with them if that’s what happens. There’s nothing better than knowing you are not alone.

Thanks for reading :)

What’s it Like, 3 Christmas's Without Peyton?

2010-12-26T23:26:00.001-06:00

I was asked a week or so ago how I was doing, dealing with the holidays. I said, I was doing really well. She then said, “I suppose there are triggers that blindside you?”

Not really. I have my moments when the wanting is so great I can’t stand it. I have times I want to throw something, hit something, and kick my feet because I want so much for things to be different. I want my boy here with me; but these emotions don’t come as a surprise. I’ve experienced them all before, sometimes like a tidal wave. I still stand because God is holding me up. Friends’ prayers have wrapped me in a blanket of strength.

I don’t know how I live with Peyton being gone, except for God’s grace. I am discovering more and more about the grace of God. It’s always there. It never fails me. I only have to recognize it and use it. Lean on it.

“His grace is sufficient” – I know this is in the bible, but I used to think it cliche’. I thought it was an excuse for being weak. It is truth. It is life. It is how I’ve survived these past (almost 3) years.

How does a person tap into God’s grace? Speak it. Tell God you can’t do it. Ask Him for help. Be grateful, not for the hurtful thing, be grateful He’s there to bring you through. It’s so basic, so simple. Why do we make it hard?

I didn’t answer the question posed in the title of this post. What’s it like……….it’s not nearly as much fun as it would have been if Peyton were here. Tom & I try to play “what would he be doing now”, but it doesn’t really work. There are too many variables. So as we come upon the third anniversary, be praying for us. Pray that we see all the good things surrounding us and we lean on and glorify God with our words and actions.

Thanks for reading (and praying) :)

Office Decorations 2010

2010-12-26T22:25:00.001-06:00

I want to show you my office decorations for this year.

Snowflakes for the door. I used sticky tak to make them stay on, no damage to the finish. I also put snowflakes on windows at home using the same stuff.

Refurbished styrofoam fireplace. I talked about it in this previous post.

Cardboard mantle

I like this sign I bought in Branson :)

Improvised tree topper. (hot glue is a wonder!!)

Table top tree

Santa is a little trimmer this year than usual, and he moved the fire out of the fireplace. :)

Hope you enjoyed the Christmas tour of my office.

Thanks for reading :)

These Pictures May Make You Queasy

2010-12-25T14:56:00.001-06:00

if you’ve eaten as much as I have over the last week or so.

I like to bake….and make candy….and then give it away. I made these morsels a few weeks ago, before everyone was tired of sweet stuff. Here are some pictures of my efforts.

Lots of chocolate chip cookies!!!

Brownie bites with Reese’s cups :)

Drop sugar cookies, no rolling & cutting.

Toffee with almonds and Pecan Pie bars (my fave)

Microwave Peanut Brittle (Tom’s specialty)

My grandma made these when I was a kid and then my mom and now I make them. They are called “Martha Washington’s” coconut, pecans, eagle brand milk, butter & powdered sugar mixed up, rolled into balls and dipped into chocolate. Tom’s the dipper in the family.

These are pecan sandies that would not come off the cookie sheet. I thought it only fair to show my screw ups along with the good stuff :)

Cookie Tray

Candy Tray

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!!!!!

Thanks for reading :)

From Paradise to Plan B: The Unvarnished Story

2010-12-23T08:12:00.000-06:00

Read this yesterday and wanted to share.
From Paradise to Plan B: The Unvarnished Story

The Flip side of the Archery Shop

2010-12-13T21:48:00.001-06:00

I hope I didn’t give the impression from Saturday’s post that I was on the verge of tears the whole time we were at the bow shop. That wasn’t the case at all.

I started out my morning at the beauty shop. I love my hairdresser very much. She takes my hair to the edge, so when I left there, I looked like I was ready to go somewhere super cool and fashion forward. After all, I was going to a town an hour away; who knows the shopping opportunities that could arise? Oh, the reality.

Tom knew the bow he wanted and had found a retailer (retailer is such a loose word here). We plugged in the Garmin and headed out around 10:00 am. We arrived in the middle of nowhere 75 minutes later. Don’t get me wrong, we found it with no problem but the archery shop was pretty much it. It was in a town of less than 2,400 people.

We got inside and Tom was looking around and told the guy he had called the day before and what bow he wanted. Since I had been in the car for over an hour, I had to find a bathroom. The bathroom doubled as the recycle room. It had trash bags full of aluminum cans. The best part was the duct tape……on the toilet seat. Yes people, the seat was broken and had been repaired by the greatest stuff on earth, duct tape. I was a little disappointed it wasn’t camo, just the regular gray stuff.

There were several “good ‘ole boys” milling around talking about hunting. There was also a “good ‘ole gal”. She was buying her son a bow for Christmas. She looked over at her son and told him she would take him to stay at his nana & pop’s house while she got her nails done. Then she spit a mouth full of spit into the water bottle she was using for a spitoon. Somehow those two things didn’t fit, a lip full of chew and getting nails done, but maybe I’m closed minded?

All the people seemed very nice and down to earth. The owner is truly an expert at his craft, but I felt a like a duck out of water. There was a horrific moment out in the parking lot. I COULDN’T GET INTERNET SERVICE ON MY PHONE!!!! Then I moved a few feet and I was on Facebook in a flash.

I asked Tom on the way home if he wished I were more of an outdoorswomen. He’s fine with me just the way I am :)

Thanks for reading :)

Christmas Tour 2010

2010-12-13T05:44:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas and welcome to my home. I am participating in the Nester Tour of Homes again this year. I look forward to checking out everyone’s decorations. Click on the link, it will take you to a list of homes decorated for Christmas. :)

These are pictures of the things I have in my living room.

Dining Room!!!!

Christmas in the kitchen :)

Living room tree

Master Bedroom with a special tree.

Thank you for taking the tour. Merry Christmas!!

“We used to be just like you.”

2010-12-11T23:30:00.001-06:00

Tom and I spent the majority of our Saturday in an archery shop to purchase Tom a new bow for Christmas. It’s quite a process, measurements taken, adjustments made, practice shots fired, etc. Only the owner of the shop was working and he had a couple of customers before he was able to get to Tom. There were men there with their sons. There was also a mom there with her son.

I couldn’t help thinking how much Peyton would have enjoyed that place. So much hunting paraphernalia (yes, this word has an “r” in it, who knew?) We were both missing him. I could see it in Tom’s eyes. All those boys with their dads, some getting outfitted with new bows, others buying arrows and other necessary equipment. One of the boys used a rubber band to shoot some paper at his friend. I had to smile, it was exactly something Peyton would do.

I wanted so much to tell them all, “we used to be just like you! We have a son we love very much but he can’t be here. He lives in Heaven. You would have loved him if you met him. He loved hunting. He loved being with his dad. We miss him.”

Of course I can’t go around randomly telling people those things. So here I am, typing them on this blog.

Thanks for reading :)

Another Confession

2010-11-28T08:27:00.001-06:00

There are times I post things that I am embarrassed about. This is one of those times. I think it is important to show the crazy things that grief can push you towards.

When Peyton first went to Heaven, I was desperate to know what he was doing. John Edward is a man who claims to speak to the dead. He has his own show on one of the cable networks. I started watching it on a regular basis. I knew it was wrong. I knew it wasn’t of God, but I did it anyway. I watched him speak to the deceased’s family members. They seemed comforted by what he told them. Of course there were times I thought Mr. Edward was so general he could be talking about anyone. There were other times, he knew things that only the families would know.

I wrestled with this issue a little bit. I told myself, “what harm can it do, if it makes the families feel better?'” He is telling them that their family members are fine. You judge things by the fruit they produce. Wasn’t he producing good fruit of comfort?

Wait a minute

I already know Peyton is fine. This man can tell me nothing I don’t already know.

It took me a few weeks, but I did quit watching the show. I realized, John Edward isn’t pointing anyone to Jesus. That is the ultimate fruit. When we come across something that seems supernatural, we need to test its fruit. Is it real, godly eternal fruit? or is it fruit that produces a fleeting feeling? Is the fruit giving God glory or man? Test the fruit against the Word of God. You can’t go wrong.

Thanks for reading :)

The Wonderful World of Styrofoam

2010-11-20T16:06:00.001-06:00

Several years ago I was exposed to the wonderful world of styrofoam. Our church uses it to make signs, letters, etc for the walls. It is ~~wonderful~~ amazing stuff. Lightweight, easy to cut, & paintable.

You can buy a 4 x 8 sheet of styrofoam for around $6.00. You need one of these to cut it with.

It is a battery powered hot wire. I remember the first time I saw one of these babies slicing through the styrofoam like butta’. I loved it (which I think is weird). You can also buy an electric version instead of having to use batteries. Mine uses batteries really fast.

Here are a couple of examples of styrofoam usage in our church.

Can you believe those delicate, fancy letters are made from ~~cheap~~ inexpensive styrofoam?!

This is the logo for our church daycare. Cute :)

Christmas 2007, Tom, Peyton & I made this fireplace for my office.

We constructed it from cardboard and duct tape, then I cut out the “stones” from the styrofoam, hot glued them to the cardboard, then painted them shades of gray. Here are some pics of my other office decorations that year.

Tom painted brown shipping paper to look like logs. He & Peyton then put the paper up (with tacks) so my office looked like a log cabin.

I’ve recycled the fireplace to use again this year.

Tom cut the foam and hot glued it right to the previous “stones”. I’m going for a more “formal” look for my office this year.

I remember so vividly Peyton helping me paint the fireplace. I also remember hiding the hot wire tool from him. I could only imagine the damage & torment he could have done with it. Of course I am missing him, but I am so much better this year than last and I cannot even compare this year (the 3rd yr) to the first. God is good and Heaven is getting closer every day.

Thanks for reading and I hope you find a cool use for styrofoam :)

Pride

2010-11-14T19:19:00.001-06:00

We had an excellent teaching on pride the other night at church. I have been thinking about it quite a bit since. I was presented with an opportunity to use what I learned. God is good like that.

We had a chili luncheon at work. I ALWAYS make deer chili. It’s a hit and I enjoy making it. I am PROUD of it. Well wouldn’t you know, SOMEONE ELSE was making the deer chili. How dare they!?

It gets better. Do you know what I was asked to make???

VEGETARIAN CHILI (an oxymoron)

What the heck?!?!?!?!?

I agreed to do it. I said I wouldn’t mind trying something new. I Googled “vegetarian chili” and asked the Lord to help me find a recipe. He did, but I still did not want to make it. What if it wasn’t any good? What if I didn’t get any compliments? (why oh why do I confess these thoughts?) Finally, I let it go. I asked the Lord’s forgiveness and guidance to make this dish. He was with me every step and it was good :)

There is a vegetarian that works in our office. He’s never asked for special consideration for his way of eating, but the person in charge of the chili wanted to make sure there was something he could eat. He liked it very much and took home the leftovers :)

Making this chili wasn’t about blessing me with compliments or building up my pride. God wanted to bless someone I work with and He used me to do it. Thank you Lord.

What if I had let pride rule me? I would have missed out on blessing someone and stretching out of my comfort zone. God is about growth and going beyond what we can do on our own.

I know I am prideful in many areas. One by one, God will reveal them and prune me. I am grateful.

Thanks for reading :)

Home Improvement

2010-11-12T18:01:00.001-06:00

Here are some pictures of the living room walls being painted. Tom & Burke did a great job. You can’t tell the true color from the pictures. They are the color of chocolate milk, the kind of thick chocolate milk that you can buy in the store already made.

You can tell how drastic the color change was in this one.

I love this guy :)

Working hard

Thanks for reading :)

Not Far From the Tree

2010-11-11T18:29:00.001-06:00

I believe I was in the 10th grade and my English teacher said to me, “Becky! if I didn’t like you so much, I would kick you out of my class!” I don’t remember what I did or said, but I sure was glad she liked me :)

Yesterday a friend of mine was talking to a teacher that had Peyton in his class. “That kid drove me crazy in class. Out of class, it was fine, but in class, I wanted to kill him!! The things he would do or say, I would think, “I should be writing him up for this or sending him to the office” but he was so dang funny, I couldn’t.”

How many times did I start to get on to Peyton and he would make me laugh? He would say, “Mom, how can I take you serious, you’re grinning.”

I miss him driving me crazy.

Thanks for reading.

A Little Rambling

2010-11-07T07:20:00.001-06:00

I appreciate daylight savings time, at least when we “fall back”. It’s nice to be up and around before anything else is going on.

We’ve had lots of company the last couple of weekends. I enjoy the boys coming over so much. Burke helped Tom paint the living room. It is a dark brown, very cozy. I’m ready to decorate for Christmas, but I won’t until the weekend after Thanksgiving.

I was looking at my sidebar at how many times I have posted this year, almost half of what I did last year. What’s up with that? I don’t have an explanation.

Our lives are settling in to a routine (as much as possible with young adults randomly popping in) I miss Peyton so much, but I am ok. In the first years you are in such a turmoil, then as things settle down and you are feeling more “normal”, the realization that Peyton is really, really, not coming back starts sinking in. I don’t know how much longer we will have to wait before we see him again. I am so ready.

The Lord has been showing me things about His grace. It is a hard concept for me to grasp, but I am getting there. He loves us so much and never gives up on us :) In the coming months, I will be focusing on my PURPOSE and VISION. In 2009, it was said that we (the Church) would not recognize ourselves by the end of the year. That was so true for me. I have changed and grown so much and I don’t plan on stopping. I will listen to God’s voice and follow His direction. I will speak to any hindrance and lay aside any weight that tries to stop God’s plan for my life.

I am looking forward to the years to come and the plans God has for us, personally and as the Body of Christ.

Thanks for reading :)

DVR – Friend or Foe?

2010-10-26T22:05:00.001-05:00

I’ve become a slave to our DVR. I see the DVR list getting longer and longer. It overwhelms me. I think I’m a little OCD when it comes to lists. I see my list and I want to eliminate everything on it. Should I watch or erase??? Should I consider erasing a failure?

I started DVRing Oprah this season because it’s her last one on network TV. I don’t watch every one of them because most of the subject matters don’t interest me. But I want to be in the know about what is going on. So I have Oprah on my DVR list 5 times a week. Then there are all of Tom’s hunting shows on the list. Come on, those shows are all the same. They are 30 minutes of commercials for hunting gear. AND THEY ARE WHISPERING THROUGHOUT THE EPISODE!!!!!! I say ERASE!!!

I’ve never been the kind to not go somewhere because “my show” is on, but now I want to DVR everything so I don’t miss something. Then I end up erasing because there is no way I am going to catch up on all those programs. I don’t even want to. When I do watch a show that we’ve recorded, I get all tense waiting on the commercials so I can fast forward. I don’t really enjoy the shows I do watch. What’s a woman to do?

I’m going to go through my programmed recordings and delete some. But which ones? American Pickers? Pawn Stars? Oprah? Biggest Loser? Man vs Food? Ultimately, I do like the freedom the DVR gives us, but I’ve really got to be more selective or chill out about erasing so much.

Andy Griffith is on pretty much ALL THE TIME. It’s my fave. I really don’t need a DVR…….if I could only convince Tom.

Let ‘em Have It!!!!!!!!

2010-10-24T21:59:00.001-05:00

Saturday we had the

1st Annual PDJ “Let ‘em Have It” Shoot Out

I named it “Let ‘em Have it” Shoot Out, because Peyton and one of his friends would holler that at each other when they were shooting. I told them they should have their own hunting show and “Let ‘em Have it” should be the name of it. We are hoping to make this an annual event to raise money for the scholarship fund. My vision for this is big and I am looking forward to going public with it next year!!! I will be recruiting LOTS of volunteers to help out.

Here are some pics from Saturday. We appreciate everyone who came out.

I couldn’t help thinking how much Peyton would have enjoyed this event. In my mind, I can see in detail how he held his rifle. This memory brought some heartache, but it also brought comfort. I’ve said this many times, but the biggest fear after Peyton went to Heaven, was the fear of forgetting. The memory of him holding is rifle assured me I will not forget. There are so many things I remember in vivid detail and I am grateful.

We also ate lots of deer chili and shared some hugs too. Oh yeah, Tom won the competition. Something was said about home field advantage, but I’m sure that wasn’t it. He’s just good. :)

Thanks for reading!!!!

19

2010-10-23T15:10:00.001-05:00

Friday was Peyton’s 19th birthday. Tom & I took off work, picked up the flowers and went to the cemetery.

There were a couple of guys at the gravesite when we arrived and they were carving this.

It’s says PDJ. I don’t know if this is against the rules or not, but it’s there and I love them for it.

I received a text the day before asking if we were “having anything” for Peyton’s birthday. I said we didn’t have anything planned, but we would be home if anyone wanted to stop by.

WE HAD A HOUSEFULL AND LOVED IT!!!!!!!!

Tom & I appreciate the support so much. It means tons that they remember and want to share their memories and their lives with us.

Saturday marked the day of a new tradition. I will post about it later. Thanks for reading :)

Are You Listening?

2010-10-20T22:08:00.001-05:00

I was talking to a colleague at work and I told him, “ I am anointed to do my job.” This really took him by surprise. I told him I knew I was exactly where God wanted me and I would stay there until He moved me someplace else. I may work for my present employer until I retire, or God may tell me to leave tomorrow. I can assure you, if God tells me to leave, it will be the best thing for all concerned that I obey. He still had a puzzled look on his face and I told him the story of how I came to work there. A friend called me as I was leaving the house to go to work, and asked me if I would be interested in working in her office. I cried all the way to work because I knew I would be changing jobs. Even though I knew it was God, I was going to miss the people I worked with very much.

This man I was talking to asked me, “how did you know?” I just knew. It wasn’t something I knew in my head. I knew it in my spirit. God speaks to me. He didn’t think God spoke to him. He speaks to ALL of us, but sometimes we are not listening or we have not practiced tuning in to His voice.

He speaks to me in different ways:

Sometimes He speaks to me through His Word

Sometimes I see visions in my spirit

Sometimes I hear words in my spirit

Sometimes I see words in my spirit

Then there are times there is a “knowing” or a feeling of insistence about a situation. These things are not going on in my mind. They are coming to me through my spirit. That is how God speaks to us. He is a Spirit and He speaks to our spirit

John 10:27

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.

The Creator of the universe wants to communicate with us. Prayer should not be a one way street. We have to take time to listen for the answer. Prayer will make our spirits more sensitive to His voice. This enables us to hear from Him in everyday situations, not just when everything is quiet. He wants to be present in our everyday lives. He loves us so much.

Friday with Friends – Fall Decorations!

2010-10-15T05:18:00.002-05:00

I enjoy decorating for fall!! The colors are so vibrant. I’m linked up with Friday with Friends again. Make sure you check out the other fall decorations.

Welcome!!

Hobby Lobby carved pumpkin :)

Come in!

Scarecrow is a must!

Looking forward to having a fire in this!

Pilgrims!

Pilgrims close up :)

Thanks for stopping by!

Friday with Friends – Fall Recipe!

2010-10-07T21:32:00.004-05:00

*************************** Revision ***************************************************
I was reading over this recipe today and saw that the cooking time was wrong, it should be 1 &1/2 hours, NOT 1/2 hours. Hope this didn't cause any problems for anyone. Also the recipe says "pour" the batter, it's more like spoon it. I made it today for the first time this season and it is super thick.

This cake is a favorite of my family and friends. Hope you will try it and let me know how it turned out :)

3 eggs
2 cups sugar
2 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 cup oil
1 cup chopped pecans
3 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
4 apples, peeled and chopped. (I like a tart apple, like granny smith or gala, both good)
Mix eggs, sugar vanilla & oil in bowl. Mix flour, soda, cinnamon and salt. Add apples & nuts to dry ingredients. Mix all together. Pour into well greased Bundt pan. Bake for 1 &1/2 hours at 325. Cool for 15 minutes.

Caramel Sauce
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 butter (use real butter)
1/2 cup whipping cream

Bring to boil. Serve over slices of cake.

When I take this cake to a gathering, I turn it out onto a serving platter, poke it a few times with a butter knife and then pour the sauce over it. Good stuff.

I'm linked up with Friday with Friends. Hop on over there for more fall recipes!!

Tipping the Balance…….in my favor.

2010-10-02T23:07:00.001-05:00

During the last (almost 3) years, I have discovered that my hard times dealing with missing Peyton come in cycles. I can feel myself getting stronger and then it gets really hard for awhile. Satan really pours it on as I am gaining ground. It is a battle. It is a battle I am winning. I am stronger and happier now than I have been in a very long time.

Tom and I were talking last night and I told him, “I feel good enough to stay this way until we get to Heaven”. I was saying that I have enough good days and happy moments that I could stay at this level of “grief recovery” and be fine with it. I think of Peyton constantly and have a balance of smiles and tears. I smile enough that I don’t feel utter devastation; I cry enough that I don’t feel I am forgetting.

I know this level is not where God intends me to stop. He doesn’t want me to be satisfied. He doesn’t want me to be “fine”. He created me to be more than a conqueror.

A couple of ~~boys~~ guys came over with a deer one of them harvested yesterday and stayed for quite awhile to visit. My friend was also here and she asked me if I was ok. I said, “We are living the life we were intended to have, but Peyton is supposed to be here.” No matter how full our life becomes it will never swallow up the hole we have because Peyton is not here. Knowing that gives me confidence to get better. Knowing that I will never forget him and how much we love him, strengthens me so I can let go of the grief.

I have avoided blogging because I didn’t want to NOT write about grief or missing Peyton. I have other things to say, but didn’t want to let go of my favorite topic, so I wrote nothing. I don’t know what I will be writing about in the future. I do have a few more Peyton stories that I will sprinkle in now and then. I hope you’ll keep reading and commenting.

This Mop is Sweet!!!!!!

2010-09-24T23:32:00.001-05:00

This is not a paid endorsement…….as if there are thousands of people reading this and the Shark company is jamming my email with offers. Sorry for the sarcasm.

For the people who are reading this blog, I had to share my enthusiasm for this mop. I’ve never been one to use a bucket and mop. I used the kitchen sink and I rinsed the mop after each pass on the floor. I couldn’t imagine that dunking a dirty mop into dirty water then smearing it across the floor would result in clean floors. If I was feeling really industrious, I got down on my hands and knees and wiped down every inch. While I was down there I was praying to God that He would send His cleaning angels from Heaven to clean the floors. That didn’t happen. There probably aren’t any cleaning angels, because Heaven doesn’t get dirty.

Our home has a lot of tile, hence my search for an easy, effective way to clean hard floors. I’ve been using the Shark for a month. The fact that I have actually USED it 3 times in that month is proof positive that it is awesome!! It’s no big deal to get this baby out and glide it across the floor. If you choose to watch this video….believe it!!! Everything it says is TRUE!!!!

I also like the fact that I don’t need cleaner. There is no chemical smell after I am finished.

I think you need one :)

Stuart & Peyton, a.k.a. Stuart

2010-09-14T21:07:00.001-05:00

I believe I’ve mentioned before the fact that Peyton was nicknamed Stuart by his rodeo friends. This was no accident.

Stuart Mazanec went to Heaven April 26, 2006, a year & approximately 8 months before Peyton.

I think the similarities are striking. Both long and lean with a love of the outdoors, hunting and fishing with their dads. (and they love their mommas too) Their last similarity was rodeo. Stuart liked the bucking broncs and Peyton liked the bulls. Stuart was at a bronc riding clinic when he had his fatal accident. Peyton was bucked off a bull. I found Stuart’s story on the internet when I “googled” rodeo deaths. I believe God led me there. I was compelled to read Stuart’s story because of the nickname.

I read the article over and over, even looking at his myspace page regularly over a six month period. Finally, I wrote his family. His mom and I started emailing each other right away, sometimes several times a day. Within a few months, Tom & I flew out to meet them. I had never done anything like that before. It was totally out of my comfort zone. I anticipated the visit so much. I had to keep telling myself over and over that I would not be meeting Stuart when we got there. Even now, I miss a young man I have never met.

This picture is of the jacket of the guy who named Peyton, Stuart. (the birthdate is wrong, but it doesn’t matter)

Here is a decal that another rodeo friend had made.

I took these pictures with us on our visit, so Stuart’s family would know this whole “Stuart” thing was real and I wasn’t some crazy stalker. They would have never thought that but I took them anyway. :)

We have a bond with this family unlike any other. We love them and we love their son.

I wrote all this to say, God is good. He gives us promptings and leadings to bless our lives. God prompted Peyton’s friend to call him Stuart. I knew God wanted me to write Stuart’s family. What if I hadn’t? My life would be less if I did not know them.

Right now the enemy is whispering in my ear, ‘why didn’t God warn you of Peyton’s accident?’ ‘why didn’t He tell you not to let him ride?’ I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. What I do know is that God loves me and cares for me in ways that I cannot fathom. Satan would like it so much if I were to doubt God. It’s not going to happen.

Please do not comment that “everything happens for a reason”. I wrote how I feel about that in this post.

Here’s a few more pictures, just because.

Oh Stuart, I wish we were ALL there. I know you and Peyton are having a great time. I can’t wait to meet you.

Summer Re-cap

2010-09-09T21:30:00.001-05:00

I read some tips for a successful blog. One of them was to write………everyday……………I don’t think that’s going to happen.

I haven’t told much about our summer around here. It was hot. It was very hot. It was very hot and humid. (see how the creative juices are flowing?)

Tom grew a garden. Not his greatest, but like I said, it was hot. I found out homegrown broccoli is the best thing ever!!

The watermelons were very tasty too. It was hard to wait

for them to ripen. I was told no watermelon is going to be ripe before the 4th of July. So I waited, and it was worth it.

I pickled some banana peppers. (sorry, no picture of those) It was my first time to try these and they turned out pretty good. We also froze some of the broccoli and it is good too. I have zucchini & yellow squash frozen to put into some soup this fall and winter.

Burke found a baby raccoon. It’s mother had been run over, so he took the baby home to raise it. Jimmy the raccoon is bigger than this now, but these are the most current pictures I have.

I took out my contacts one night, turned around to go to the bathroom and saw this in the floor. It’s a snake, a small snake, but still a SNAKE, IN MY BATHROOM! Tom came to my rescue and got it outside and put an end to it’s menacing creepiness. I guess I wasn’t too scared, I did take a picture of it.

Those are the highlights of our summer. Anyway, those are the things I have pictures of. Our summer was quiet and blessed. Teenagers popping in periodically, cookouts, homemade ice cream, family dinners, good books, great church, baby sitting :) etc.

I hope your summer was blessed too. I am ready for fall and all the things it brings, hunting, football, bonfires, potato soup and all things delicious.

I don’t know if writing something everyday is for me. I like to have something to say when I post, but sometimes you don’t know you have something to say until you get started.

Thanks for reading :)

Mouths of Babes

2010-09-02T18:14:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, Tom went to the track to get in his 4 miles. When he got there, he saw a friend and his 10 yr old son in the parking lot. The dad was talking on the phone so Tom went to the son’s side of the truck and began talking to him.

Tom: You going to shoot a crossbow this year?

Boy: Yes (with big smile on his face)

Boy: Do you have a boy?

Tom: Yes

Boy: Where is he?

Tom: In heaven.

By this time the dad had finished up his phone call and he told his son, “you know who it is, he was a bull rider.”

Boy: PEYTON JACKSON? He’s famous!!

That boy will never know what that did for Tom. I know Tom’s been having a hard time as hunting season gets closer and closer. He’s been scouting some and I know he misses his favorite partner so much.

God knew what Tom needed at that moment and he used a 10 yr old boy to provide it. He loves us more than we can comprehend.

It could be worse.

2010-08-27T18:44:00.001-05:00

I am not a fan of taking comfort in that expression.

Tom & I attended a support group for grieving parents for a few months after Peyton went to Heaven. The stories we heard there were heartbreaking. Even though we were all in the same situation, the ways we arrived there were very different. We would leave the meeting so sad thinking about the other parents and the different ways our children left this earth.

We couldn’t help but think, “at least Peyton didn’t die like _______ or _______.” I felt it was wrong to take comfort in the fact that, “it could be worse.” We are human and we like to make comparisons.

What if it couldn’t be worse? What if you are the person that has it the worst? Where do you find your comfort? We all have varying degrees of hard times in our lives, everything is relative. So while it is good to recognize that other people have gone through hard times and survived them, I don’t want to draw my strength from that. My strength comes from knowing a living, loving God.

I hope this makes some kind of sense. I hope I haven’t given the impression that I think I’ve had it the worst. I am trying to say that I cannot draw strength from something of this earth. I get peace and strength from my heavenly Father. Earthly things change; God does not.

I would love to have some comments on this. :)

Handcuffs

2010-08-24T21:23:00.001-05:00

I’m having a hard time starting this post. I said I would write about some of the times Peyton got in trouble. I thought I would start out with the most serious. The others I can pretty much laugh about, this one, not so much.

When Peyton started going to rodeos, he was 15. He went with older boys. I knew the chance I was taking letting him hang out with older people. I knew the things he would be exposed to. I prayed he would make good choices. We waited up for him every time he came home from the rodeos, even though it was very late.

We let him go camping with a couple of guys he rodeod with. I got a call around 12:00 a.m. from the county sheriff’s office. Peyton had been arrested. The boys had gotten to their camping spot, had a few beers and then decided to drive to town. The boy driving had pulled out onto a major highway without turning his lights on. The policeman saw them and pulled them over.

Since Peyton was a minor, the officer called us before they even got to the station. Peyton was in jail for about 15 minutes. The officer let us know that he was very polite and didn’t give them any trouble. I wasn’t impressed.

I don’t think we even spoke on the way home. My mind was reeling. Is this the first time? Is this just the beginning? etc. etc. I was so angry with him. I was afraid I would say something or give him a punishment I would regret. I told him to go to bed. Tom & I lay in bed for a few minutes and Peyton called to me. I went to his room and he asked me what is punishment would be. I told him we would discuss it in the morning. He said, “Mom!” in such an anguished voice I almost felt sorry for him.

I sat down and talked with him about the dangers of alcohol, etc. I also spoke to him about his reputation and the repercussions of his actions. Teenagers like to say they don’t care what people think about them. I explained to Peyton that he did care. Do you want people to trust you? believe you? What if there is a girl you like and her dad won’t let her see you because he heard you’d been arrested?

He was grounded from everything for 2 weeks. Maybe it should have been longer. I knew my son and believe it was long enough. He was a humble person for a very long time after that. I can’t say for sure that he never drank again. I hope not, but he was a teenager that loved pushing the envelope.

Those boys he was with that night? The driver came to our home and apologized. I also know he went to his girlfriend’s father and apologized. He’s a good guy that made a bad choice. Both of these ~~boys~~ men were pall bearers at Peyton’s funeral. The one who wasn’t driving got saved not too long after Peyton went to Heaven. Tom & I watched him get baptized. We love them both very much.

A few days after his arrest, Peyton asked me, “Mom, have you ever been in handcuffs?” I said, “NO!” Peyton said, “It is awful.”

I can almost laugh about that, but not quite.

I’ve shed some tears writing this. It was such a hard thing when it happened. I didn’t want to make this blog about a “perfect Peyton.” He wasn’t. He was a typical teenager with a little something extra, at least to us who love him. :)

Yearbook

2010-08-22T20:51:00.001-05:00

The annual staff at the high school ordered Tom & I a yearbook. I picked it up on Friday and wanted to share what I found in it.

This mention of Peyton really got to me. Tearing up even now as I type this. Click on the picture to make it large enough to read.

I love these kids and this community and I am forever grateful.

More about Peyton

2010-08-20T14:00:00.001-05:00

Today, I helped a couple of girls move into their college dorms. They are so excited!!!! I was glad to be part of it. I feel for so many parents that are packing their children off to college. Their “babies” are leaving the nest. I know if Peyton were still here, I would be in the same boat they are, wanting to be able to let go, but wanting to hold on. I told Peyton he could live with us forever. I am missing him so much.

In September of Peyton’s sophomore year, he scored a 21 on the ACT. He was impressed. He said, “Mom, I know Seniors that haven’t scored a 19.” He didn’t realize the gift he had been given until then. He was very smart and took it for granted. He thought everyone had it as easy with schoolwork as he did. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t “apply” himself. He made As & Bs (mostly Bs). I told him Cs were unacceptable. He thought I was too strict. I think the ACT opened his eyes a little bit.

The last six months of Peyton’s earthly life were very focused. He was determined to ride in the PBR. I’d never seen him so passionate about anything. He was maturing and becoming responsible in ways every parent wants. He only got to drive for a couple of months before he went to Heaven. He loved that freedom. He had gotten a job the week before his accident. It was only a couple of hours a day after school, but he was thrilled. I told him I didn’t think it would be fair of us to quit his allowance because he was working, so he got both. (Gas was almost $4 a gallon at this time) He only received one paycheck and he immediately put it in his gas tank. I have his wallet, it has $1 in it along with his drivers license and hunter’s education card.

I don’t know the purpose of this post, other than letting me tell some more about the son I love so much. I’m a proud parent but I know Peyton wasn’t perfect. Very soon, I will post a couple of stories about Peyton getting in trouble. It’s only fair you have a well rounded picture, right?

Peyton is in Heaven. He doesn’t miss me or anything about this earth. Heaven is Heaven, even for a 16 yr old cowboy.

Then vs Now

2010-08-15T23:55:00.001-05:00

I know God is calling me to be less and less concerned about myself. Less of me and more of Him. I type these words and they seem cliche’. I’ve heard people that are way more spiritual than I am say them and now they are coming out of my mouth. What are You up to God?

For the last few days there has been an unrest inside of me. There are times it feels as if my spirit is vibrating inside me. That’s not an accurate description, but it is all my human mind has. I’ve been praying more and more throughout the day.

There are times I want to go back to the way I was before Peyton went to Heaven. I want my life to be the way it used to be. We were very happy and were incredibly blessed.

Presently, I am grateful for who I’ve become. I have grown and changed in ways that I never would have imagined. In most situations, I am a more sympathetic and caring person.

Other times situations will arise and I have no patience for them. In my mind I am thinking, “If I have made it through the death of my son, you can make it through _________.” Do you see that small and selfish word in purple? “I” is a very dangerous thing to focus on. It truly wasn’t “I” who made it through. God carried me through. This was too big for “I” and He never left me.

Would I bring Peyton back if I could? YES!!!!!!

Am I grateful for all God has done for me since Peyton has been gone? YES!!!!

Am I a better person now than I was when Peyton was here? YES!!!!

This is God making something good out of something evil.

Bloggy Banter – Love it!!

2010-08-11T16:46:00.001-05:00

Here is a question that was in the comments of my previous post.

Do I have to continue to miss AND grieve? I thought I read somewhere that grief was a 'spirit'. So, here is the actual question: can't my heart be whole as in Shalom - nothing missing, nothing broken and miss my loved ones beyond all reason of my natural mind AND in that name of Jesus kick the spirit of grief out?

This question was asked because I said in my previous post -

“I know I will miss Peyton & grieve for him until I see him again, but living the way I've been living is not right.

Isaiah 61:3

³To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

In the verse it shows a trade….the garment of praise FOR the spirit of heaviness. Grief is a spirit and we should not carry it. When I wrote that email, I was living with the spirit of grief and I knew better. I can miss Peyton and not be grief stricken. I can also make the trade again and give away the “garment of praise” and take on the “spirit of heaviness”. I have made that trade many times, but not as often or for as long. It is a learning and healing process (31 months so far), not a one time decision. (if you knew me, you would know how much I wish it were a one time decision)

Having said all of that, I will not grieve for Peyton until I see him again. I will miss him and even cry but the grief will not swallow me up.

I hope I haven’t gotten too hung up on ‘terminolgy” in this post - missing vs grieving. I want to be totally honest about what I believe.

I believe my God is a healing, restorative, loving God and He is bigger than any kind of grief.

Thanks for the question Dar.

“Never mind God, I got this.”

2010-08-10T20:25:00.001-05:00

This is an excerpt from an email I sent to a wonderful friend of mine. I sent it after coming out of suffering 3 weeks of misery.

The past few weeks I have given in too much to it (grief). I know I am grieving/will continue to grieve, but it had taken over most of my thought life. I know I will miss Peyton & grieve for him until I see him again, but living the way I've been living is not right. I am functioning and productive but feel like I am broken inside.

In the beginning I came against the grief with prayer etc. from a survival instinct. But now after 30 months, I let it sneak back in slowly and was learning to live with it on a daily basis. This is not where I want to be and have to stop it now.

The last part about it sneaking in and living with it, that is the battle now. The tears and the turmoil don’t come as often and when it did come…….I thought I could handle it. “Never mind God, I got this.” Foolishness.

I can’t believe I did this. (I don’t know why I’m always surprised at my humanity) I was no longer desperate for God’s help!!!

Another excerpt from the same email

I'm going back; back to the way I was when this horrible thing happened. I am going to have the mind set that this grief is trying to drive me crazy but I won't let it. It still is trying to drive me crazy, it is just slower and sneakier than it was in the beginning.

I am here to say I am back in that place, a place of desperation, desperate for my Father and His life giving Word. Desperate for Him, not only in the bad times but the good times and everything kind of time in between.

What I am trying to say is, I let myself get comfortable with where I was in the grieving process and my relationship with God. This is not acceptable. Pressing in and growing, that is what I am called to. He loves me too much for me to remain in the same place.

Thanks for reading and you know I love comments :)

Branson, MO

2010-07-18T19:39:00.001-05:00

A co-worker and I took an overnight trip to Branson, MO. this weekend. If you’re not familiar, click on the link and check it out.

I’m going to try to write this without it sounding like a commercial.

I had to go to the Titanic museum; loved it. It is very informative and interesting. Before you enter the museum, you get a boarding pass describing one of the real life passengers. At the end of your tour, you find out whether or not your passenger survived the tragedy. Ours survived. Focusing on the fact that these were real people and not just a story was emotional for me and I found myself taking some deep breaths to keep myself together. There were other factors involved too.

Tony Roi, The Elvis Experience – My co-worker is an enthusiastic Elvis fan. I enjoy the King of Rock and Roll more than the average person, but I am not a fan of ~~impersonators~~ Tribute Artists. I have to admit though, he was good. Here is the undeniable evidence that I was there.

We also went to a show called SIX. It was very cool. Six brothers performing songs Acappella. Not only singing, but using their voices to replicate the sounds of instruments.

I choose this video to post because I wanted to mention the fact that EVERY show in Branson recognizes our veterans and does some sort of tribute to them. This is another thing that tugs at my heart strings.

The rest of our time was spent eating and shopping. I got some sweet Christmas decorations.

It was a good weekend, but I was ready to come home. I mentioned before it was emotional. Our last family trip with Peyton was to Branson. Peyton & I had been to Branson several times with friends so there are lots of fun memories there.

One of my favorite Peyton/Branson memories – Peyton was around 12 or 13. We had come back to the condo and gotten cleaned up and into our pajamas. We walked next door to where the girls were staying. The girls were on the pull out sofa bed watching TV. Peyton runs and lands on the bed telling the girls to scoot over. They are looking at him like he is crazy. He says “come on, we can paint our toenails and talk about our feelings.” His mind was so quick and he was never at a loss for words.

I miss you Peyton Douglas Jackson, even in Branson.

Exercise…… Physical and Otherwise

2010-07-08T17:58:00.001-05:00

I read this on someone else’s blog several months ago. I have it saved on my computer and read it from time to time. She is talking about exercise. I’ve printed it to hang in front of my treadmill. I don’t remember where I got it from, if you are the author, thank you.

The truth is:

Sometimes it's gonna hurt more than others. I need to push through it and stop repeating the process of quitting when it gets too tough.
It's not just about exercise. It's about discipline. It's about sacrifice. It's about commitment. It's about finishing the goal that He has set before me.
It's about allowing Him to complete a work in me that seems nearly impossible.
He has given me a body that is capable of exercising...it is a gift.
I am not allowed to quit on this one.

It doesn't matter if I like it all the time.

I am learning. Physically and spiritually it is about sticking to the plan, moving forward, adding more to what seems impossible...because I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)

As I was reading it this morning, the last paragraph spoke volumes to me. I am in the middle of God’s plan, I will stick to God’s plan and move forward. As I am faithful, he will add more to what already seemed impossible. What was meant for evil, He will turn for good.

The 3rd 4th without Peyton

2010-07-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

I am suprised how hard these last few days have been. (I don't know why I'm suprised!! maybe that's part of my problem) Tom & I are on vacation. I think this is the first vacation since Peyton has been in Heaven that we haven't gone somewhere. The hours at home with nowhere in particular to be gives me time to think. I'm usually okay with thinking, but not this week. The 4th didn't happen the way I wanted. We had a good time and love the people who came to the house but the people we usually spend it with were not able to make it. These friends remember and miss Peyton the way we do. I don't want to get used to not talking about Peyton, but this is the way things are headed. It is natural and normal but I am fighting against it. I know I will always talk about him, but in the natural course of my life, I will meet more and more people who do not know him (maybe this is all the more reason to keep talking about him)

There seems to be a "settling in" to this chapter of our lives. The high school activities are over. "Our" kids are growing up and moving forward. We want them to press on to their futures and live their lives. Even though this is what we want, it is hard because Peyton is not here doing the same. It is very hard not to think about what we are missing out on. I get tired of sharing other people's children, but am grateful to have them.

Peyton has been in Heaven for 2 1/2 years. It seems like forever. I am having trouble finding purpose in my life right now, but I am not alone. God is always with me and He never gives up on me. I know He has great and wonderful assignments and adventures for Tom & I to fulfill. He is a great God and He loves us so much.

The words didn't flow out as easily tonight as they usually do. I didn't want to post at all, but felt like I needed to start typing and see what happened. I don't think it was much, but I appreciate you reading. I've read over this post several times and I realized I have made statements then used the word "but" NINE TIMES. This has to be some kind of record and I'm sure it's not a good record.

Book “Opinion”

2010-06-23T20:28:00.001-05:00

I say opinion, because I don’t feel qualified to “review” a book. I do however, know what I like and want to share with you. That’s what blogging is all about, right?

A good friend and teacher loaned me this book last week.

I soooo need a blog photographer, this pic is so pathetic. The book doesn’t really bow up like that at the top. I hate to admit it, but I put the book on my bathtub to get this shot. Oh Nikon D5000 where are you?…………………….enough of that.

About the book. It is set in Jackson, Mississippi in the early 1960s. “The Help”, refers to the “Nigra”maids (her words, not mine) that work in the “white folks’” households. Most of their families have done this for generations, from slavery to domestics. The main character wants to be a writer and decides she wants to interview “the Help”, but it has to be anonymous. It is dangerous for the Help to talk, but she gets them to.

The book is realistic, but still entertaining and a good read. I was going to tell you ALL about it, but changed my mind. Read it for yourself; you’ll be glad you did.

Additional Blog!!

2010-06-19T18:26:00.000-05:00

I've started a recipe blog. As I mentioned in this post, Tom and I were on a Daniel Fast back in January. This started a new way of eating for us. We don't eat this way ALL the time, but we do the majority of the time. Okay, sometimes I go several days in a row not eating healthy. Like everything else that is good for me, it is a battle. I am a work in progress and I am getting it right more times than I am getting it wrong. God hasn't given up on me and I won't either.

I hope you will check out the recipe blog, "Everyday Healthy". I think it is a vital tool to keep myself eating healthy and I hope it will inspire you to eat healthier too!!!

Connected to Heaven

2010-06-16T22:14:00.001-05:00

I have moments I know I am connected to Heaven. I can’t see it, it’s something I know. It’s something I can’t be talked out of. God lives in me and He loves through me. His love is unstoppable. His love is life changing and miraculous. His love guarantees me that I will live in Heaven after this earthly journey is finished.

Our earthly lives are the beginning of something greater. What I do on earth affects eternity. Do I live like it does? That is my prayer, that I live like I know I am affecting eternity. My desire is to be so aware of the spiritual that I give no thought to myself. The Creator of the Universe is concerned about me. He bought me with a Price. I have no right to my life.

What will He have me do? Can I do it? Do I want to do it?

^{Roman’s 8:6-8}

For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. ⁷ Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. ⁸ So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

These words seem harsh, but they are not. We are spirits and can be spiritually minded. God has only good things planned for us. We can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens us.

I say, “Yes Lord.”

Graduation 2010

2010-06-06T16:26:00.001-05:00

I’m not wanting to write this post. I’ve been humming along nicely since graduation. I don’t want to relive the emotions that are tied to this celebration.

There were a little over 200 graduates in Peyton’s class(237, I think). As Tom and I were waiting for the ceremony to begin, we could see some of the graduates milling in the crowd. There were several wearing their Peyton buttons. I was surprised and thrilled. Here are some pics of some of the grads wearing their buttons : )

This is a picture of the button.

I saw someone wearing this button too.

We love her.

Diplomas!!!

Steven & Lindsey

Megan & our Shepherd boy!!

The buttons would have been enough. But that wasn’t all they did. Peyton’s name was included in the valedictory speech. It was said,(I am paraphrasing, don’t remember it word for word) “in middle school we had so much confidence in our abilities and believed we could do anything. Peyton never lost that”…….I went into a little shock when I heard his name and I don’t remember everything that was said. There were clips shown of his friends saying something about Peyton. We are getting a copy of the DVD. I was hoping to have it to post on the blog, but decided to post without it. I am ready to watch it again so I don’t miss anything!! We were so honored that they thought Peyton should be included. There were no adults prompting them or making these decisions for them. When they asked the principal at graduation practice if they could wear the button, he said he wished he had one to wear. He had one on graduation night.

This post was not hard to write or hard to get through. It was hard to start. Writing this post feels like the end. I’m a little afraid the kids won’t be around as much and maybe the memories of Peyton won’t be as fresh and funny for them. Graduation is in so many ways a final chapter. Not the end of our book, but definitely the end of a chapter. It is the natural way of things. People grow and move on, but I know they will carry Peyton with them always. Thank you Class of 2010, you have been a source of joy for us. We love you and wish you blessings and much success.

I couldn’t write this post without mentioning these people!!

The Peanuts have been a ginormous blessing. They are great friends. They share their kids and granddaughter with us. Thanks for everything.

Happy…………………

2010-05-31T23:01:00.001-05:00

I got up from my cozy bed to write this post. I was lying there with my husband and I said, “I’m happy.” He said, “me too.”

As soon as the words left my lips, every fiber in my brain sounded an alarm. HOW CAN THIS BE??? My baby boy is not here. My life is not complete. My life is not as it was before. Nothing is as it should be.

Then the rational side of my heart took over. Even though things are different, they are good. Lots of peoples lives don’t follow the paths they thought they would follow. People lose jobs, move etc. How can I compare Peyton moving to Heaven to someone losing a job or any of the numerous things people have to adjust to? Losing a child is life changing, gut wrenching, exhausting, sad and just plain wrong, but my God is bigger. He is bigger than anything that can happen on this earth.

My heart that was shattered into an infinite number of pieces is whole again. It has some cracks, but it is in one functioning, loving piece. God is in the healing and loving business.

When I say “God did it”, don’t misunderstand. He does not pick & choose who heals and who doesn’t. He has given us His word and it is our choice to read it and apply it. Some days I do not want to make the right choice and I’m sure there have been lots of instances when I didn’t choose correctly, but He was always there waiting for me. I’ve wrestled with grief; sometimes afraid to let go. Not because I wanted to be sad, but because…….(holy cow, I can’t believe I’m going to admit this for all to see) if I remained sad, no one would be able to forget the reason I was sad. My grief would serve as a reminder to everyone that Peyton was gone. They might even talk about him after I left the room. (I really can’t believe I just typed that) I don’t think I have any more secrets. My heart is pounding so hard right now.

I will miss Peyton until I am reunited with him in Heaven. Will I still grieve? I’m sure I will, but for the most part, I will be happy, occasional tears included.

Obedience is Freedom

2010-05-28T15:32:00.001-05:00

Tom & I went to the graduation ceremony Saturday, May 22nd. It wasn’t as hard as I thought. I’d had a very strong week leading up to it. God’s grace is sufficient. It is more than enough. In my previous post I wrote about fasting television and why God had me fast that particular thing. Fasting in and of itself does nothing. Fasting, prayer and obedience produces benefits that cannot be measured. I know that if I had not been obedient, if I had not fasted, I wouldn’t have made it through graduation. I would have been in a puddle of tears, maybe in the parking lot, maybe in the foyer of the auditorium. I don’t think I would have made it to my seat.

Fasting and prayer is changing me. God doesn’t lead us to fast to punish us or to make our lives hard. He leads us to fast so we can get our flesh in submission and we can hear His voice all the more clear. He loves us and wants to lead us into victory. Obedience is freedom.

Tom & I are not fasting television right now, but we have drastically cut down our viewing time. We are much more productive, spiritually & physically. It is a permanent change.

I will be doing a post about graduation very soon (with lots of pictures). Tom & I were surprised and blessed by the ceremony. Make sure you have kleenex when you read it.

Thanks for reading!

Where is My Escape?

2010-05-13T09:48:00.001-05:00

Our church began a fast this week. It is a personal thing, seeking God and asking what He would have us give up. Mine & Tom’s eating habits have been drastically restricted and we’ve allowed ourselves one television show a week…………. not a day, a week.

We fasted like this before back in January (not the television part). In January, I was very excited about it. It truly revolutionized my feelings about food. I have been delivered from food ruling my life. I get on the scales occasionally. I have lost around 25 lbs since the first fast. The number is not what is important. It is the freedom from the bondage food had over my life. God is good, all the time.

This time around, it is a different story. My flesh is screaming!!!! My mind is telling me, “if you’re delivered from food addiction, you should be able to eat whatever you want”. Shut-up flesh. You’ll eat fruits and vegetables like you’re told. I am a triune being. I am a spirit that has a soul and I live in a body. My body will not rule me.

I really, really, really want to watch television. God revealed to me today, why I want to watch television so much (one of the reasons anyway). Television is an escape. If I’m watching, I don’t have to deal with issues in my life. I am distracted and can act like everything is ok. I can feel like I am ok.

This afternoon, Tom & I will be going to the school to present some students with the Peyton Jackson Memorial Scholarship. I thought I was fine with it, but I’m not. I’ve been grouchy to my husband last night and this morning (grief takes many forms). I kept thinking how I wanted to turn on the TV. Then God let me know this is why I won’t be watching TV. He’s not going to let me escape. I will run to my Father and confront all these feelings. I will pray that He will carry me through the assembly. I will ask Him to satisfy my soul with good things, so I will not dwell on what I am missing. I love these kids that are getting the scholarships and I want to enjoy their moment……..I think I’ve written about that before..

So excuse me, I’ve got some praying to do.